Written by Kent Pete
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Thursday, 31 December 2009

image for The Day the Earth Caught Fire for Tiger
The sunsets over the Tiger empire

It seems that Tiger Woods' indiscretions might well cost him a lot more than he first feared.

DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDREL

Despite Woods, 33, apologising for the hurt his "infidelity" had caused his wife and children, shaving giant Gillette said today it would be "limiting his role" in marketing to both "support his desire for privacy" and to "protect their brand name".

However in a further twist it now appears that the world's top golfer may be facing rather more than loss of endorsements.

An Australian pastor and Tiger Woods fanatic has formally disbanded a church he set up in 1996 in praise of the sports icon.

AROUND THE BEND

Ziegler announced his decision after "several days of evaluation" on the church's Web site Tigerwoodsisgod.com and rechristened it "The Damnation of Tiger Woods."

The nutty pastor said that Tiger is clearly no longer a role model and that he is "personally done" with the pro golfer.

Speaking to his fellow parishioner's Ziegler said: "13 years ago I believed that Woods displayed such super human talents that he could well be directly related to the Lord Almighty. I would like it put on record however that I never once claimed that he was the son of God. At most I suggested that he had supreme powers that could not be explained by the law of Physics. I now realise that I was wrong. Tiger it seems is as fallible as the rest of us. He is just one of a number of false prophets that have walked on earth over the last 2000 years. I shall never make the same mistake again. There is and has only ever been one God. I am even beginning to have my doubts about Cristiano Ronaldo".

LITTLE VOICE

However it would appear that at the moment eternal damnation is the last thing on Tiger's mind. The dad-of-two announced today he was giving up the sport to focus on being "a better husband, father and person" as he attempts to save his marriage to heartbroken wife Elin Nordegren, 29.

In a statement on his website, he said: "I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. Throughout the past 3 years a little voice has been telling me that my behaviour was wrong but high risk sex became addictive. I am like the alcoholic only my obsession came dressed in stockings and suspenders and not a Jack Daniel's bottle"

A BRIDGE TOO FAR

"I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness"

"It may be that repairing my marriage is a bridge too far but I want to do my best to try. I am like the drug addict only the thing I was rubbing into my gums was not cocaine (though at times it did come from South America)"

"After much soul-searching and searching of the soul I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person"

DRESSED TO KILL

Yesterday Woods' wife looking dazzling in a gold micro-mini dress and Oscar de la Renta "Babette" boots told her husband to sell the homes where he romped 'furiously' and 'relentlessly' with his 'dirty arsed' mistresses.

Elin has told him she will no longer live in the houses where Tiger had what he himself described as 'sexy sex' with other women.

GET CARTER

Elin has told estate agents in both places to prepare to put the homes on the market in the New Year.

A family friend said: "As far as Elin is concerned both homes are soiled. She has even contemplated filing for divorce and has already contacted James Carter one of the top divorce lawyers in the US"

As exclusively revealed by Spoof.Com, Ms Nordegren may yet agree to try to rebuild their shattered marriage but only for the sake of their two young children who are both young and two in number.

She has told Woods she will remain in Florida for Christmas, but will then temporarily move out of their family home. Nordegren is rumoured to have bought the city of Stockholm in case she decides to move away from America altogether.

THE ITALIAN JOB

The removal firm 'Messeppi and Son' confirmed that one of its lorry's had collected five large boxes from the house. Talking to our reporter Giuseppe Messeppi said:

"As disaster movies go this now seems Beyond the Poseidon Adventure. It's such a shame. In the States everyone thought Tiger was Flawless. I don't want to be the Whistle Blower but it seems we might soon be calling Last Orders on the Woods' marriage"

JAWS - THE REVENGE

Meanwhile one of Tiger Woods's 15 mistresses Jamie Jungers has denied being a prostitute and said:

"I got nothing out of this relationship but a broken heart - not even a birthday card. As far as I am concerned he saw me simply as a Miss Congeniality. People have asked me if he was like a Zulu in bed, don't make me laugh, he never hit the Bullseye once"

"Last Christmas he promised to spend Boxing Day alone with me at his home in England. Imagine my disappointment when I arrived to find not only his girlfriend Hannah but also her Sisters there as well. When he turned to us and said 'Tonite Let's All Make Love in London' I felt physically sick. It was such a Shock to the System. You don't need to be a Sleuth to work out that Tiger is one Dark Knight"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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