England football manager Fabio Capello, who has had lessons to learn how to speak English, today decided to invent a new language instead.
Speaking from FA headquarters in a chip shop off the Fulham Road, he held a press conference to give the media some good examples of the new language, Capellese. 'I think Michaelio Owns is fit but not fitting', he said to journalists, 'though a goodness to badness player, yes, of golf course. Though John Wayney has playing more gaming than Owings, yes please. I am considered Mitchell Owen for strike position but only if that reindeer is fat enough.'
One journalist asked him if he had decided who his number one goalkeeper for the squad would be. He said: 'Maybes Davina McJames, maybe not, sometimes he is some unpractically dictator table, but who else can be as bad as he isn't at the big top occasion, with fried rice and poached egg shells, madam?'
Capellese will be adopted by the European Union as their new official language for football managers, as it is a mix of English with a fair bit of Swaheli and George W. Bushism thrown in, though not all were happy abut it. English club manager Harry Redknapp said 'I prefer talking waffle endlessly about nothing on and on, but will give the new language a go.Though at least we might have some sort of clue as to what Sir Alex is talking about now', for not even other Scots know what the Manchester United coach is saying after matches.
'Sir Alextsarina is the boast manager and not the best one in Inglerland', Capello said, 'is like one hand is a cultured crisp bag-eating Scotian that everyone yes indeed admiral with the chew tobacco gum, on the third hand Sir Alexei is a bluenosed raging alkie maniac that put free fear into the David Beckies of this world, ya ken, ya fecking bampot eejits! Certainly successful has followed him rounders such as the Chumps League, si, er, Lazio One Forfar Athleticals Three Hundred. So we must not expect the usual English knock out blow by Germaline in World Cap semi demis.'
Capellese is expected to be taught to all Premier League managers and players, so that players like Diddy Drogba will know how to shout 'Penalty!' in three different languages. 'Dog Bar, he no a windcheater', Capello pointed out, 'people they make mistake through the heart of Chelsea Bridge is falling up all around us, is it not?'
'My playings not die in an offside outside inside positions, banoffee and chocolate chips with vinegar, sire! As for My Bike Owens now at the Red menace men in Sherwood Forest, please no place me comment in your ghastlified and and ... outraging newsprinters, oh no you don't, matey maker!'
Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment, as he was still sulking about his rivals daring to sack one of his former players for the technical fault of being a hopeless manager, and almost as bad as Roy Keane is at Ipswich.
But we managed to speak to another Scot in the game, former Scotland captain Badboy Ferguson about the new language. 'See thay new langidges', the 'Intellectual of Larkhall' said, 'Ah mean, wossapoint an rat? Ah mean, who's gonnae ken wot thay manglers wud be talkin' aboot efter ra game, annat? It isnae fair, byraway, so dinnae go awn aboot such shite!'
So it looks like Capellese will finally mean British people can at least get a vague hint about what the two Fergusons are going on about. Or as Capello himself said: 'My new sandwich, OK, is full to the brambles with much oddity spaces, jolly good showtime, yes, for old lang wage.'
'And as the new years means much more games within Africanistan for Anglesey, referrers who in the inter nation games need to speak my lang syne for good communication breakdown, oh yes they most definately don't, by the Great Punch Bowl of Brian Cloughy!'
Doctor Johnson is turning in his grave.