Miami - NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stunned football fans by announcing that tailgate parties will be banned at the 2010 Super bowl XLIV at Dolphin Stadium in Miami due to Al Quada planting grenades disguised as Budweiser pull-top cans at beer distributors in the United States.
The exploding beer cans were discovered by tank commander Sammy Sniper of Sixth Battalion Swampoodle former football star for South Dakota State.
"I pulled open a can just as I was digging into some ribs before a Dolphin game and KERPOWWW!! it exploded like a heavy ordinance right next to my head, man was I mad at that sonofabitch stupid cockamamy in the Blackhouse for that, what? What has he done? NOTHING!! What, with banks receiving bailouts from the gov, rich people getting paid by the gov, poor people being laid off by the gov screwing everyone, whats the point of living?"
"Then I tried and down the brewski and nothing came out, youmotherfucker Obama has literally screwed the whole United States. He has rammed his neo-nazi communist, socialist wang so far up our asses were choking on it. Now were all starting to gag like Tiger Wood's lovers throat and now taking our beer away. Meanwhile the REAL Americans that were actually born here and love our country are ran into the ground by a good for nothing city slicker who only cares about how he looks and how he sounds. That's what we get for voting a commie smarty pants for president. We may as well all be dead."
"But hey, my mother didn't raise me to be no quitter and I was dry so I tried it a couple more times KERPOWWWW!!, KERPOWWWWW!!! and still no beer!"
"I tried to return the rest of that shit beer but Dingaling Jingaling wouldn't take them back. So the Banks and helpaniggerout programs get all these handouts and I can't get a fucking refund on faulty fucking beer cans that explode next to my fucking head.!! Maybe if I was a black woman from mexico I could get some attention. No wonder people get sex changes if you gotta get something done you gotta have a black vagina that speaks spanish. Then they just throw fucking money at you. Fuck Oblahma, fuck dem's, fuck foreigners, fuck the rich, fuck you anti-constitutional bastards goto hell and take the US Bank with you assholes."
"That's when I started to think this journey into the depths of irrational reasoning must end."
"I took matters into my own hands and came forward to the authorities."
"As a trained tank commander, I know that explosions like that in close proximity to your head without OSHA rated hearing protection is a safety hazard as hearing loss is progressive, sir."
When asked if Sniper was ever worried about his safety he replied, "Safety, no sir, I played linebacker."