DETROIT - The owners, players, and fans of the Detroit Tigers are extremely upset at the way that the name of their beloved team has been horribly muddied due to the raging hormonal antics of Mr. Tiger Woods.
Carlota Primavera, 76, a long time Tiger fan (the baseball team not the golfer) perhaps said it best when she said, "I swears to youse dat dog gone golfing guy has ruined it for us die hard Tiger fans. I mean da man had at least one dozen bitches on da side. Tell me just who da hell does he think he is anyway, Billy Clinton or what?"
Another season ticket holder Ramona Villapelluchi, 58, 179 pounds, remarked, "For goodness sake the man was nothing but a dick with feet. And I ask you when did he ever find the time to play golf? Yashavinska!"
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow! Ladies and gentlemen, I have looked all over the place and I cannot find the word Yashavinska. It sounds like it might be Jewish. Or maybe Mescalero Apache.]
For the past week nearly all of Detroit's talk radio stations have been talking about nothing but the teenage antics of the man who used to be one of the most respected individuals in the free world.
Disc jockey Toby "Boom-Boom" Boombaresti of station KPPK said that he has nicknamed Tiger Woods "The Fastest Zipper in The West."
Meanwhile over at the rival KKZZ, Howard "Lips of Love" Farmsettler said that "El Tigre" literally took the cliche 'puttering around the house' and expanded it to 'puttering all around the gosh darn country.'
Detroit Tigers owner Michael Ilitch has said that just in the past week he has received tens of thousands of emails, text messages, phone calls, and letters asking him to please change the name of their baseball team.
The Detroit Tigers name goes all the way back to 1894 when the team was founded and named after the tigers that used to inhabit the area where the first stadium was built.
Detroit Tiger outfielder Wilkin Ramirez is so upset about the fallout from Tiger Woods "Golf Gate" that he has asked manager Jim Leyland, #10 on your Detroit scorecard, to trade him if the team does not change its name.
Venezuelan teammate Alejandro Alvarez who speaks very little English was asked if he agreed with Ramirez. "Jes" he replied. When asked if he was angry at Tiger Woods, he answered "Jes."
He was then asked if he would like to marry a filthy African wart hog with the most hideously repulsive case of the mange and he answered, "Jes."
Meanwhile team owner Michael Ilitch has asked that Detroit Tiger fans submit their suggestions for a name to replace the 115 year old Tiger name.
In other news. Reports coming out of Iceland state that the country is reporting record breaking low temperatures. The weather is so cold that there have been reports of penguins actually starting fires in order to try and keep warm.