In a statement on his web-site which has rocked the world of golf, Tiger Woods announced: "I need to give the golf a rest - I'm knackered". He cited the demands of his wife and 78 girlfriends as the reason for this decision.
"My swing has deteriorated in recent times, what with me coming home bow-legged in the early hours every day. If I keep this schedule up, I'll be dead by the time I'm 40. So, I said to myself its either the golf or the shagging - one of them has to go."
He described how much he loved hitting a small white ball and walking up and down the fairways of the world for the last 10 years or more. "I loved it. Quite a lot actually. But lets be honest you can't compare a 3-ball to a threesome. Especially if chains and a whip are involved."
So, Tiger's plans for the near future involve complete rest from golf, and even the gymn will be kept to a minimum. "No, for me its time to face up to my responsibilites and leave that old life behind. From now on I will just be shagging like Billy-o. Trust me ladies, you are in for a treat."
In a further development, I also understand that Pfizer are in advanced stages of negotiations with Woods's agent for a new sponsorship deal.