Written by Helen Tarnation
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Topics: Women, Basketball

Friday, 11 December 2009

image for Women's Basketball group protests breast size requirements
This bounces, but men would rather see other bounces

A top US women's basketball group is protesting a decision by the its members to require all players to have at least a 'C' cup in their brassiere size to remain in competition.

They reached their decision after market researchers took an in-depth look at the demographics of those who watched womens games, and compared them with those who watched National Basketball Association (NBA) games.

'Actually, it doesn't take much of a statistician to see what's going on', said Wade Storcher, media analyst with Wade Storcher Media. 'People who watch basketball are guys. Mostly straight guys. But they watch NBA games.'

'So, why are straight guys watching guys?' he asks.

He says that's a good question, because the ladies put the ball up and down the court, and fight a game with finesse.

'The real difference', says Wade, 'is that most guys don't want to look at a bunch of chicks bouncing around when they don't have bouncing boobs.'

Wade's opinion has considerable weight with the female basketballers, because the survival of the ladies' league depends on broadcast revenues.

'Now that we've determined that the problem with our broadcast revenues depends more on bouncing boobs, than upon bouncing balls, we have decided to remedy the problem', said Stacy Sooner, a spokeswoman for the league.

'From here on, any woman who wants to play ball with us, must have at least a 'C' cup to compete. We will have an accredited plastic surgeon on staff to ensure that the measurements are accurate.'

Robert Smiley, the plastic surgeon appointed to assist in the cup-size accreditation process, welcomed the move.

'Breasts deserve their place in society', Smiley said, 'and this will finally assure them their rightful place, regardless of race, color, or creed.'

Cinderella Chinchilla, forward heavyweight with the all-female Buxom Bombers Basketball Squad, complained about the arrangement.

'We've had the C-cup requirement since 1967, and that's made us the top-rated team ever since', she said. 'Now that it's a general requirement, we have to wonder about whether there's artificial augmentation that gives girls an unfair advantage.'

Smiley says that's not a problem.

'I know how to do advanced breast massage', he says, 'and with enough time, say an hour or so, I will be able to tell if a girl has implants or not.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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