Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009

image for Tiger Woods Snorting Cocaine Story Rubbished By Neighbor
Lurch, the Addams' butler

The Tiger Woods story took an extraordinary turn this afternoon when the golfer's neighbor, one Jarious Adams, told reporters that a claim that Woods had been snorting cocaine was "totally untrue"

Mr Adams said his earlier comments had been misinterpreted by the media, and confirmed that he had initially said that:

"Tiger was snoring, and was holding a Coke."

Woods crashed his 4X4 into a tree and a fire hydrant outside his home in Windermere a while ago, but the boring story is dragging on and on and on. Reporters, desperate for something sinister to turn up, are talking to anyone and everyone, in the hope that someone will say something that can be innocently misconstrued for sensational news headline purposes.

Mr Adams, courting his 15 minutes of fame, said:

"I saw Tiger and said 'OK". Then I immediately ran back inside the house. His wife was very quiet, in shock. No cocaine was in evidence."

Adams' brother, who may be called Gomez, I'm not sure, said:

"I saw he was unconscious, but I'm not sure about the snoring, or snorting or whatever, and interestingly, Tiger had on a navy blue shirt, khaki pants and no shoes. Mrs Woods had on a black jogging suit. Now just hold on a minute there, buddy. What does that tell you? Me and my brother are a couple of dipshits. When do we get our cash?"

What kind of a name is Jarious anyway?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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