Tired of playing Panopoly? Sick of yet another game of Cluebore? Then why not get the new Tiger Woods Crazy Putting Game, for those long hours after Christmas dinner you have to spend with your boring inlaws you'd far rather were machine-gunned to death than be in your house, at only $122-99 a set.
The game is a new version of crazy golf, and you can set up your own course in your garden. Hole 1 features an old car that drives back a few feet into a fire hydrant and then forward again, while you have to knock a golf ball between the two and into the arms of a beautiful female model.
Hole 2 is more complicated, your ball must avoid 13 divorce lawyers and end up in a whiter than white church, with its own token black preacher in it. At number 3 you have to hit all the bars in Florida before landing sanctimoniously in a press agent's office, and hole out by saying the magic words 'a personal matter'.
Hole 4 features a visit from a toy Pope Benedict to turn you into an all-American saint, even though you're not dead, but to give a good impersonation of it the hole has a special rib-breaking machine just to give you a hint of the round to come, and 5 is a tricky one where you have to play your ball through a maze of cocktail shakers and celebrity endorsements, before landing the ball in a white-washed US TV news program.
Holes 6 to 16 don't exist, as you know you'll just easily win them anyway, and 17 is the John Daly themed one. Here you have to sniff a huge amount of the specially-supplied white cleaning powder and drink a quart of Bourbon, and then have to putt your ball in a straight line for 2 feet without bursting out laughing hysterically.
The 18th hole is called the 19th hole, and there you can relax with lots of girls and drinks and cleaning powders, while signing another few hundred endorsements for everything from mouth washes to do-it-yourself drink-driving tests.
The Tiger Woods Crazy Putting Game - a must for that embarrassing Christmas Day feeling when the entire world knows about your personal life, and that you're not the squeaky-clean star you made out to be, and you need a silly game that anyone can play at to divert attention away from it all. At only $122-99 a set.
Comes with free signed 'Get out of jail free' card, and 'Why can't Americans admit that all their stars are just normal bland human beings that cheat and divorce and play crap sports like everyone else does across the world?' poster, with the famous stars and stripes inferiority complex logo.
Golf was being played as early as the 1400s in the country that invented it, and is the only sport that Americans have ever won without changing all the rules for themselves. Next thing they'll win at rugby and football without wearing girlie helmets and scrapping the offside rules.
They've caught up with the rest of the world at drinking and divorces and drunken car crashes, though - next year will see the inaugural Ted Kennedy Chappaquiddick Back Seat Pro-Am Grope-a-thon, all proceeds going to the US Need Stars To Keep Their Delusion of Being Different From the Rest of the World Charity Fund, patrons Madonna Ciccone and The Right Reverend Sir Doctor Martin Luther van der Over-titled King Queen Prince Icon Laughed-at by those Naughty Brits the Third Junior Senior Vice-Sub-Joint-Prefix of that Pish.
Well it gives Americans something to put in their TV news, as there's no news in them. Henry Cotton was sober earlier today. James the Sixth was two over par at Leith Links, but was handicapped by his daughter Mary being his caddy, so sent her round to the nearby Haddow's to get a pint of whisky just to liven the game up a little. Fore!