Now that the world's number one golfer has been injured and won't be able to play in major tournaments for a while, Tiger 'Beer' Woods today organised the first World Pro-Celebrity Drinking Contest, for resting golfers and other stars who can't get through the day without a good belt of the old grape. The inaugural event will be held in Cheers bar in Boston, and already John Daly and Liza Minnelli have signed up for it.
'OK, I can't sink putts as good as I used to', Daly admitted, 'but just watch me sink glass after glass of beer like a man that's been wandering through the Sahara desert for weeks without even any water!' 'And Liza Minnelli added: 'Hey, that's the great thing about being a celebrity. Other people are just drunks who crash their cars or get into fights, we have 'personal' situations that we demand our privacy to be - yeah, another gin martini, thanks - to be or not to be, that is the next drink. John.'
'Thanks, Lisa. This Drinking Contest - who are you looking at, pal! OK, OK, give me a shot of JDs with that beer, man. Yeah, didn't I win the British Open once? No friggin' idea. Tiger, good ta see ya, ya token nignog in the alcoholic woodpile of life.'
'You callin' me a nig***, John?' 'Yep. And you can take them stars and shove 'em, I was the greatest drinker in America, not you!' 'Outside now, man! We'll settle this with a drink-driving contest!' 'Not until I've had another 18 shots of what made Milwilkie famous.' 'What was that?' 'No friggin' idea.'
'I was the longest hitter of, of ... of the bottle since Dino Martino,' 'You was nothing, John, I won every drinking contest from Augusta to that place in England they plays golf at. In. Remember when I was so good I beat the field in the US Open without botherin' to play? Ha! There's only one thing better than winning Major after Major, John.' 'Having another gin martini?' 'Yeppers. And just pass over the bottle, Mr. Oh-so-smart barman, or I'll kick your ass into Illinois!'
'You still here, Liza?' 'Nope.' 'Good, silly old cow, why not f*** off and prance around in a bowler hat! 'Life is a Camembert, old chum' forsooth!' 'Listen Tiger, I hate to be a nag but -' 'But you're going to be one anyway?' 'Yes. You have a bad drink problem.' 'What! You -' 'She has a point, Tigger.'
'Now just hold on one minute, you two pairs of sancti, santa, oh what the fuck, dumb bastards, I have not got a martini problem!' 'Fore!' 'Hahahaha!' 'And another thing, John, you have a bad weight problem!' 'I do not!' 'Do so too! Hey, Liza, honey, could you drive me home, baby? Not feeling so good suddenly. You've only had 34 drinks, so you're the soberest one here in this place. Norm!'
'Sorry, Liger, I can't be an adult and drive drunkenly home and hit a signpost and then call it 'a personal matter'. Thank heavens the American police are easily bribed! If we were in England we'd end up like Eddie Cochrane and Jimi Hendrix!'
'You mean just average people that take lots of drink and drugs and die in accidents without any childish conspiracy theories that Americans spend their lives living for?' 'That's the one.' 'You mean that people like me and you and John are bland bores that nobody is interested in in the slightest, but sell newspapers?' 'Right again, Lisa baby.'
'Another martini?' 'Shaken, but bored.' 'Here's to us American celebrities. Didn't something once interesting happen in America?' 'Nope.' 'Nope.' 'Even our Presidents are drunken brainless baboons who can barely eat properly, no wonder the rest of the world laughs at us.' 'Hey, the new Pres isn't a drunken brainless baboon, he's real smart.' 'That's why he's never in America!' Ha ha ha ha!' Ho ho ho ho!'
And the nation that believed Prohibition could work turned 12 this week.