Written by Mykl Ray
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Topics: rape, miami

Friday, 20 August 2004

image for Kobe Arrested Again: Unidentified Star of Kazaam Claims Rape
Kobe Bryant confers with unidentified man

Kobe Bryant, already set to stand trial for allegedly raping a 19-year-old woman in a Colorado hotel, was arrested at his home Monday after a 32-year-old Miami resident claimed he was raped by Bryant back in June.

According to Miami authorities, the victim, described as a giant black man with considerable basketball talent and marginal acting talent, was dragged behind an unused row of lockers by Bryant shortly after the Los Angeles Lakers lost to the Detroit Pistons in Game 5 of the NBA Finals and forced to perform various lewd acts.

It was unclear whether the alleged victim was also an employee of the Los Angeles Lakers, an employee of the Staples Center, or just some random seven-foot-tall guy off the street.

An anonymous locker room attendant has also provided some additional details of the incident.

"I was heading to the mop closet and I figured everyone had left, but I heard some rustling and some whimpering," the 59-year-old man continued. "I stopped and heard one man saying ‘I'm gonna show your momma whose team this is, mofo. Truth be told, that stuff's not uncommon around here, but I still tiptoed the heck out of there."

The alleged victim, whose identity is protected by our strict policy against publishing the names of rape victims, starred in the 1996 movie Kazaam. Normally, the publication of a victim's starring role in a widely released movie would, in turn, give away the victim's identity. In this case, we could not find evidence of anyone ever watching Kazaam, whereby protecting the victim from unnecessary media scrutiny.

When asked why the actor waited so long to come forward, Officer Don Dinkins, from the Los Angeles Police Department, said that the man was ashamed.

"Hey, when you're a man…a proud man…you don't enjoy being slapped around, degraded, violated, or…or traded to the [expletive] Miami Heat."

The staff here at The Spoof failed in its attempt to uncover a videotape of Kazaam. After contacting several local movie rental stores, it was determined that all former owners of the movie were too embarrassed to admit that they had ever stocked Kazaam on its shelves.

A Google search for "Kazaam movie" resulted in zero matches.

Kobe's teammates and closest friends were still reeling from the news.

"Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA," said Shaquille O'Neal, a longtime teammate in Los Angeles. "This is Kobe Bryant's team. I love Kobe Bryant."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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