Written by Dan DiLucchio
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Topics: Olympics, NASCAR

Friday, 20 August 2004

Aug. 2004, Dover Downs, DE, The International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced that NASCAR Racing would be added to the summer Olympics in 2008. The Committee members left the Hotel Athens after a marathon session where the issue of NASCAR was discussed and finally resolved. In celebration, each of the IOC members was wearing an official NASCAR hat and twill racing jacket with embroidered Penske, Goodyear, Viagra, Home Depot, M&M, and STP logos. "No, this won't be the ultimate commercialization of the Olympics," said IOC President, Dr Jacques Rogge, "We are just continuing to move the Olympics on its natural course into the modern era of greed, globalization and gauche behavior."

This decision apparently settles the question of whether or not NASCAR drivers are world-class athletes. The debate over athleticism has been raging for some time and many feel that they always knew the answer. Bubba Busby of Backwater, Georgia said, "Any man who can drive a 600 horse power automobile over 200 miles an hour in 120 degree temperatures for 500 miles is an athlete in my book." Immediately following his statement, Bubba crushed a Budweiser beer can on his wife's forehead, leading to a singularly unusual display of spousal athleticism fit for an Olympic event.

The 2008 Olympiad is expected to be populated with professional NASCAR drivers like Dale Earnhardt. The Olympic committee is hoping that the driving events will encourage young children to pursue their driving dreams and follow their favorite drivers into the motor sport arena, similar to the reaction of awe and admiration young boys have toward the women's beach volley ball team.

U.S children today are known to be out of shape and physically inactive. Driving a NASCAR is hard work. It takes practice, natural skill, luck and one hell of a lot of money.

In his new book entitled: "My child wants to be an Olympic NASCAR race car driver. How does (he, she) get started?" Tony Stewart explains the steps necessary to achieve that goal. With encouraging words, Stewart explains that it is never too early to start aggressive driving. Stewart known for his emotional outbursts has included a special chapter entitled: "Controlling your emotions before you end up like me."

All of the drivers you see on TV, no matter the type of cars - Peugeots, Renaults, Fords Chevys - started out young (some as early as 1 year old). U.S. fans, and Olympic hopefuls, will soon see the newly conceived local NASCAR tricycle racetracks springing up in neighborhoods across America. This will allow little tykes to develop and hone those natural aggressive driving skills and instincts before placing their little toes on a gas pedal.

Stewart's book also teaches the budding drivers how to recruit and retain crewmembers and mechanics and what to pay them, although he is careful to point out that openly compensating them at the Olympics is not permitted. There were major contributions to this chapter of the book by the U.S. men's basketball team.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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