PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA-- It seemed fairly easy for Nolan Walters in the beginning. He would place seven different T.V.s in his livingroom. One for every single station that NBC Studios owned: NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Networks, Bravo, the Spanish Station, Telemundo, and NBC HDTV. His dream was to watch every single hour, minute, and second of the Olympic coverage in Athens. And, maybe land a spot in the Guiness World Book of Records.
"I haven't missed a single second, so far," Nolan told our reporters. "I even watch some of the games on that Spanish television station, Telemundo, cause it's so funny to hear the announcers get all excited."
But, things are starting to fall apart for this local Wal-Mart employee. Circumstances are starting to pop up that he couldn't have even imagined. "Thank God I still haven't had to take a dump yet," Nolan told our reporters. "I can't leave the room because I might miss vital coverage on one of the T.V.s," he informed us.
Nolan explained to us also how he has been urinating in bottles, but his empty bottle supply is starting to run low. He said if it comes down to it he will designate a corner of his livingroom to urinate and defecate in.
Another problem that has risen is that none of his co-workers are willing to fill in for him any longer at the local Wal-Mart. "Yeah, most of my buds work in the dairy department and I work in automotives, so they really aren't that good at covering for me back there," Nolan explained to us. "I'm willing to lose my job, my dental and health benefits, and my Wal-Mart stock over this!"
It seems The Guiness World Book of Records isn't taking him to seriously as well. They haven't even made attempts to contact Mr. Walters about making up yet another stupid record for their books to glorify.
A key role in Mr. Walters getting food and supplies was cut off when his girlfriend of 5 weeks broke up with him on the second day of coverage. "I stiil don't know what I'm going to do over this devastating blow I was delivered," he told us. "I guess I'll just try to order groceries on-line or something; I've heard good things about that."
Mr. Walters suddenly realized that the only computer with internet access was on the other side of the house away from all of the T.V.s. He then began to cry softly on his living room recliner and our reporters secretly exited the house without an altercation.