Written by matwil
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Topics: Boxing, David Haye

Sunday, 8 November 2009

image for 'No fixes in boxing' shock claim made by Don King, as Serena Williams defeats Nikolai Valuless to take WBA title
King Don

American Boxing impressario Don King today made the shock claim that boxing title fights are never fixed.

'Well, they just ain't', he said, as he watched a recording of seven foot Russian giant Nikolai Valuless being easily defeated by Serena Williams at Farcical Square Garden last night in New York City.

'I reckon Serena had the edge with her thighs being thicker than the Russian's, and her masculine grunting and muscly chest also helped. Plus she has more macho aggression than a boxing ring full of Mike Tysons. Man, she was awesome!'

Miss Williams herself was characteristically modest about winning the WBA title. 'Well, sometimes my pretty, feminine side just wins over my opponents, you know - other times I just turns into the meanest motherf***** you is ever gonna meet, and you'd better not print that or I'll grab you by the neck and throw you on the ground, and stomp on you until I hear bones cracking!!!', which lead to a quick end to the interview with her.

The former champion was back in St. Petersburg, but managed to say 'I was fairly beaten by the America girl, yes. And Mr. King is correct, there was no fixings, niet. It was pure skill and science that meant a small girl two feet smaller than me massacred me without actually doing anything except, er, win on points for - um -

whatever the heck the judges give a silly, wee girl points for. Maybe for having more ridiculous hair than I have - no, no, what am I saying! Another quadruple-distilled Schmaltzoff vodka with a shooter of quadruple-distilled gasoline, please.'

Serena Williams has already been challenged for her new title by so-called 'British' boxer Lennox Redcoat, but she immediately declined, saying 'That sap! I eat men like that for breakfast! I wants a real opponent, you know, like Mike Tyson, Marvin Hagler or Sir Alex Ferguson.'

If Sir Alex takes up her challenge and loses, he will of course complain to the press about the judges' decisions. Again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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