As the people of the mightiest country in the world are hopeless at winning team sports that other countries across the world play at and win, the rules of association football in the USA were today changed to suit American men playing it.
Firstly, they will now wear helmets. This is to protect their heads from dangerous clashes against the heads of other players when competing for headers, or from flying elbows during tackles.
'This ensures that American soccer players will no longer be subjected to what are, in effect, violent attacks on the skull region', said Mitch Girlz-Blowse III, the manager of the New York Oldies team. 'Furthermore, this gives our players that manly dignity and strength that only the men of the United States of America can show.'
Secondly, football matches will now stop every thirty seconds to allow lots of silly girls in short skirts to start prancing around and waving lots of bits of cloth in the air.
'More dignity the American way', said Girlz-Blowse, 'in any other part of the world male sports players would be seriously distracted by lots of babes in short skirts yards away from them throughout a match, but not American ones, ahem. No, sir. The all American male simply has no time for such things, he's too busy concentrating on the new rules that have been designed to simplify the sport.'
Thirdly, the offside rule is to be abolished. 'Too complicated', said Girlz-Blowse, 'and meant it needed skill and composure in attacking play. Now teams can put their strikers in their opponents' penalty boxes, then just wait for the ball to be passed to them and score. That should make ten times more goals during games, as Americans can only keep their attention on a team sports game if it has a score every two minutes, otherwise they need to go away and fry more burgers.'
And fourthly, the US Cup final will no longer be a 90 minute match with possible extra time played - it will be stretched out over five hours, with hundreds of stoppages, advert breaks and teams of analysts on TV, a washed-up hasbeen singer singing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' before the match, and, of course, the complete indifference from the rest of the world at that and any other American sporting event.
'When Americans are able to beat other big countries at football, rugby and cricket, then we'll be respected as sportsmen, til then we'll just keep on playing girls' games', added Girlz-Blowse, and his comments caused outrage among male American sports fans, millions of whom struggle to get out of chairs unaided let alone play the sports they follow on TV.
'Well, I'm a baseball fan', 300-pound keepfit fanatic Hymie Grossburger said, hanging from his winch in Alabama that was lifting him out of his house so he could have his daily one yard walk on the grass, 'soccer is for wimps! As for that rugby, what kinda sap plays without a helmet and shoulder pads? Cheez, it's gotta be American.'
Latest score coming in from the World Cup in Brazil - USA 1 England 0.