After one of the closest and hardest-fought Tests of alcoholic consumption between England and Australia since the 1970s, England finally emerged victorious to regain The Ashes at the Kennington Oval in London this summer.
Speaking from the England dressing room after his own final personal drinking Test, Freddy Smirnoff said 'Aye, we had 'em on the ropes after Andrew Strauss had belted back 8 pints of bitter at lunch, then Ian Bells knocked back a bottle of Scotch to follow, and after that we were laughing all the way to the crease. The Aussies just couldn't contain us, and when Straussie pulled of a master stroke and declared us as sober we knew we were heading for victory.'
Australian captain Ricky Ponting said 'Well, as usual we thought we had the Poms under the cosh after we drank a crate of Foster's each on the first morning. But we forgot that the English don't just drink beer, they also whack back vodka, whisky and brandy, and even top up with white wine during the overs from their carefully-filled isotonic juice bottles. The English beat us fair and square, we never had a chance.'
Meanwhile, Down Under there have been questions about Ponting's captaincy months after the Ashes loss. Aussie bowling legend and all-round annoying git Merv Hughes said: 'Why he didn't use the Bundy's after the Poms declared beats me. I mean, you can got the stuff in any London off-sales, can't you?'
And cricket commentating legend Richie Benaud added: 'Welllllll, it always looked like it was going to be a close one. With Freddy Smirnoff at the peak of his drinking form, but Ricky Ponting half-blitzed like an Abo at a family picnic, it could've gone either way.'
Freddy Smirnoff launches his own brand of 200% proof vodka this week - to keep him going til next April.