There was surprise in the sporting world today when a prawn became the new Formula One world champion.
The prawn had escaped from a spectator's prawn cocktail sandwich at the Australian Grand Pres du Manger in March, and had taken cover in one of the competing cars there, a Mercedes. But nobody noticed at the time, nor noticed who the driver was, as the cars are driven by computers and races decided by rules infringements, not driving ability.
The prawn continued to live inside the car, and did about as much actual driving as whoever it was sitting in the cockpit with it, which was none at all, as the Mercedes computer-controlled car went round and round in circles in race after race, but never overtaking, as that needs racing car skills. The car's engine proved slightly more powerful than the engines in all the other computer-controlled cars, and soon the prawn was leading the world championship.
But after a while the other F1 teams began using prawns, slices of ham, and even a couscous salad wrap in their cars, and the prawn's car stopped winning races, until at the final race of the season in Brazil its car had to finish no lower than fifth for the prawn to become world champion.
There then followed a gruelling hour and a half of racing cars going round and round in circles, but never racing or overtaking, which was about as exciting and sporting as a Superbowl match, and the prawn duly went round and round in the same position long enough to come in fifth, and in typical British fashion succeeded by losing.
At the traditional award ceremony on the podium, the prawn's team mate Ryvitas Marshmallo said: 'I so wanted to win in my home country, where all the nuts are. But the Great British prawn he beat me to it by losing the race, and so winning.'
'You British is crazy, and we all know that if a sport is won by a Britisher it must be a crap sport no-one else takes seriously. Like yachting, cricket, or Formula One. One time in Italy I forget to get in my car, and the car still win the race there on its own!'
The prawn itself had little to say about winning the championship, but got angry when journalists suggested that Formula One had died as a sport along with Ayrton Senna, and that racing should mean actually racing and competing and taking risks, and not just a procession of identical cars going round and round in circles to make money for their sponsors. The only racing during Formula One races any more is the race to see who gets picked for the best computer-controlled car's team.
A monkey could become Formula One world champion. Not one called Nigel though ...