Written by matwil
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Saturday, 17 October 2009

image for The Queen exacts more revenge on Gerrard by sending balloon to give Sunderland victory
The Royal Toffee Balloon

Following Her Majesty the Queen's disapproval of a recipient of her coveted MBE award - Steven Gerrard - ending up in police cells, and then in court on charges of assault, the head of state of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland took further revenge against the player's team today.

She sent a helium balloon to land in the Liverpool penalty box, allowing Sunderland player Darren Bent to shoot at it and for the ball to rebound off it into the net to give the winning goal.

'We are over the moon', Her Majesty said, over a large Bombay Sapphire gin and tonic, 'we had gathered up all the balloons those blasted Berkshire schoolchildren had sent into our garden, and then we got one of our boffin chaps to put a homing device into it, one that homes towards Scouse gits.'

'Taking wind and levels of gittery into account, we got Philip to release the balloon at 12 midday exactly and it arrived at the Liverpool penalty box at exactly the right time, five minutes past three. And Darren Bent scored! Everton are magic, Liverpool are tragic, na na na, na na na!'

Few have realised just how passionate a football fan the Queen is, a lifelong Toffees supporter that religiously watches all live Premier League matches on Sky Sports. When the horse racing isn't on. 'Yes, we always watch Everton', she admitted, 'and always love seeing Liverpool lose. Though there was a danger the balloon would have ended up at Goodison Park instead of Sunderland, but given that the majority of our Scouse git subjects support the Reds it was a risk worth taking.'

The FA were going to order an inquiry into the incident, but given that they are spineless about everything they decided not to. 'Just as well', Her Majesty said, 'or we would be straight round to their office and it'd be orf to the Tower of London with 'em, then orf with their heads! Come on you bloo-hoos!!!'

Prince Philip, who wandered into the room at this moment, added: 'Football? What they bloody hell is football?! And what are these newspaper johnnies doing in here, Liz, I want to watch 'Hot Babes Get Hotter Once You Sink Their Boats'. Now get out the lot of you! Clear off!'

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez was unavailable for comment, but muttered something about 'Queen Isabella would never have allowed this ...'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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