WASHINGTON, NRA Headquarters - In an effort to secure the United States from further terrorist activity and keep the nation safe from terrorism, President George W. Bush today announced a plan in conjunction with the Office of Homeland Security (OHS) and the National Rifle Association (NRA) to help rid America of foreign insurgents.
According to Tom Ridge, beginning September 11, 2004, all U.S. citizens will be eligible to purchase Terrorist Hunting Licenses provided they can show proof of Caucasian citizenship, and active membership in both a local Christian church and the NRA.
These permits will be issued by the Office of Homeland Security and will be available at all business currently selling hunting and fishing licenses. Some of these businesses also plan to offer extended sales options for terrorist hunting, and many shop owners have plans for side businesses offering to dress the kills of their patrons.
"I'm a'plannin' to add a little terrorist taxidermy and ammunition counter over by the beer cooler," said Billy John "Jaybee" Saddlehorn of The Sportsman's Market in Hanging Limb, TN. "I think it'll definitely spark sales."
In a national survey taken of other merchants with business venues similar to Saddlehorn's, it was discovered that there is a huge demand for terrorist scalps, bone fragments and skulls to be used by craft artisans in rural areas of the nation.
Mae Ruth Wilhoit, an east Texas craftswoman specializing in hand-painted saw blades, told reporters that she would be introducing a new line of decoupaged terrorist skulls weighted with shot pellet that may be used as bookends, doorstops or "just as a spunky lamp base for your child's bedroom," she said.
Major corporations also have plans to cash in on the terrorist sales boom. Mattel, Inc., will be debuting the Tiny Taxidermist Toolbox for pre-school and elementary school users, a Terrorist Barbie that comes equipped with miniature Gatlin gun and machete, and a variety of orange coverall sewing patterns to fit unloved dolls of all sizes.
In the same vein, the Harper Collins Publishing Group has announced a new line of related books with titles such as The Dummies Guide to Hunting Terrorists, How to Skin a Terrorist in Five Easy Steps, and Martha Stewart's NRA Favorites, the latter to include original recipes and craft ideas sent in by hunters' wives from across the nation.
"These new NRA hunting permits will facilitate open season on all terrorists, bring peace to our country, and boost the economy," Bush announced. "Creating new consumer interest and more jobs for the American voters is what my November campaign is all about."
UPDATE: Due to the increased terror alert, special early permits are currently being issued through the NRA to employees of The New York Stock Exchange, Citigroup Inc., the International Monetary Fund and two other financial institutions in the New York area and Washington. Delighted to arm themselves to bag numerous kills, these employees said they welcome an al- Qaeda terror attack, and nearby delis are reported to be readying their kitchens for an influx of fresh lunchmeat.