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Tuesday, 13 October 2009

image for Manchester United to replay un-won matches

As the world casts a weary eye towards the onslaught of Christmas, football clubs are now pondering an added complication that comes with the yuletide package.

While one of the greatest bugbears in life as a Premiership manager is an increasingly congested fixture list, pundits have pointed out that players receive ample remuneration for their efforts and that more games are simply symptoms of success.

Sir Alex Ferguson has, in the past, been more vocal than most on the subject but now club officials at Manchester United have said that he is now considering adding to the workload in a dramatic U-turn.

A club spokesman said: "He has analysed the amount of extra time not awarded in matches where United have not won since his appointment as manager and has ordered the club's legal team to demand that the FA arrange for those games to be replayed."

Other Premier League managers (Rafa Benitez) have also lamented times when the amount of games cause an over-crowded fixture list, and will almost certainly join forces to oppose the stroppy, red-nosed Scot.

A Soho Square insider who wished to remain anonymous told us: "All the teams that have denied Manchester United a win since 1986 have told us that they will boycott these games leaving United to field some lone, spotty academy teenager to ripple the net and take the points.

"It looks like the FA don't have a leg to stand on," said the newly-hired photocopy lad with the Swindon Town tattoo on his left forearm.

Speaking on behalf of the FA, Doug Spineless said: "We see no option but to bow to Sir Alex's wishes. If the other clubs are against this move, as is their right, then the games will be played in their absence."

Tickets for the re-arranged matches - all to be played at Old Trafford - will go on general sale and are sure to sell quickly because of the increased likelihood of a Manchester United victory, but extra time will be allocated in the event that United are not winning, until they do.

An entire day has already been earmarked after United's final game of the season for the presentation of all the trophies that they have missed out on over the last 23 years, followed by an open-topped bus tour of the city.

Catalan giants Barcelona have already voiced their concerns over this year's Champions League final.

A Nou Camp spokesman of Spanish / Greek / Italian descent said: "We hava 'ad a look ata de DeVaDay of thata gyme ana eet seem to everyone 'ere thata we won eet fair ana square.

"Aye Caramba! Butta we tink thata eet isa resonabler to repply de gyme ina our absence ana we will be andin' the troffy over gladly ifa dey ween, innit."

Sir Alex Ferguson was reported to be still soundly asleep and dreaming last night and is not due to wake up at any point in the near future.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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