Dallas,TX/ Broke Back Mountain Quarterback News - The Cowboy's 'aw shucks' quarterback, Tony Romo, with T.O. gone, and Jessica Simpson abandoned in a PETA shelter the day before her 29th birthday, is still blaming his former bad luck charm for less than stellar performances on the gridiron. The Cowboys go into this weekend 2-2.
Romo, who said after last weeks performance, no touchdowns ,2 fumbles, and 5 sacks, "Man, my dick hurts! It feels weird, man, like some voodoo bitch is stickin pins in my joint...every time I get set to launch a good one I lose my rhythm!"
"Now," he continued nonchalantly in his usual laid back California style, hat on backwards, shirt open to to the navel, and a 3 day bead framing the pain in his eyes, "the problem is EVEN carrying over to the FIELD!"
Offensive quarterback's coach Daryl "Pig" Kolakowski, confirmed that the QB was having trouble grasping the pigskin, and tossing spirals down field.
"There's no question, " said Pig, plaintively, "that Simpson F*****d him up big time. A man grows up in this game with a football in his hand....and it's always the same size football. A man starts fondling the tits on these groupies you never know what size boob ya goin get day to day!"
A NFL football has roughly the circumference of a 'B' Cup, and fits in a QB's hand perfectly.
According to Simpson's Publicist, Brucie Mitterand, Simpson is a 'perfect' D cup....most of the time.
"It's not normal, " said 'Pig', the kid has lost 'his feel' for the game, and he's turned into a real head trip.
Owner Jimmy Jones, no stranger to 'head cases' or Boobs on the team, said he's ready to call for some therapy for the hapless Romo.
"Tony's starting physical therapy on Monday," he said, " Ana Kovrnikova (32B) is going to be working with him on simple handoffs, just trying to get his confidence back.
By Wednesday, he should be ready for Britney Spears, (36C) helping him with ball control in wet weather and keeping his focus on 'the collapsing pocket."
By Friday he should be able to tell the difference between the pigskin and a pair of tits again. If not, F*****k it, he's traded to Oakland."
Romo is facing the hapless 0-4 Kansas City Chiefs Sunday and is listed as
"probable" after undergoing massage therapy for a painful joint.
Simpson has just returned from Kenya where she was studying Tribal Rituals, and said she wouldn't 'miss the game even if her tits hurt!"
Long Time Cowboy sufferer Hal A. Peno said he's now an Arizona Cardinal Fan.