Written by Morse
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Thursday, 8 October 2009

image for ESPN Announces New Soccer Line Up with Erin Andrews and UK Nut Bag "Skoob1999"
Futbol! Not Just for the Lobsters Anymore: Skoob to Explain Footwork, the Moves, the Strategy and Even Violence of the Cult !

NY,NY/ Entertainment and Sporting News - Over 35 avid US Soccer fans celebrated at the expatriate Oasis Bar and Grill on East 23rd Street today with the stunning announcement that 'real soccer' announcers would be appearing on the sports channel's late,late night coverage of world soccer events.

Fans were further stunned to find super hot side line announcer Erin Andrews would make up half the new announcing team, a fact alone that boosted cable sales for Turner Broadcasting and the Spanish Language Soccer Channel, Des Sportes.

Joining Erin on the sidelines, and in the announcers booth is relative new comer, and avid Manchester United Fan, Skoob1999, a futbol fanatic gaining rapid popularity as a regional favourite in the UK for his in depth knowledge of the science of the game, as well as his off hand, highly comical, irreverent, but descriptive play by play action calls.

Skoob, who says he has been mentored by famous announcer Ray Hudson, who sounds like a Scotchman with his panties in a twist during the typical 0-0 game ending in a shootout, says his new American audience should be ready to gain a new understanding of the world's most popular sport.

The unusually pairing, the world's most glamorous Sportscaster with the Mope from Manchester, is all part of a scheme set up by Skoob's agent from the Colonies, Captain Morse.(retired)

"Being a former Mainiac, I knew Erin since her field hockey days when she was a 13 year old scrapper at Lewiston Elementary School. I followed her career closely, not in a Roman Polanaski kind of way you know, but closely enough. She went on to star at University of Maine where she also started on some great Maine Girls Basketball teams, was an avid snow shoer and cross country skier, and was encouraged in her career by that great sports enthusiast Stephen King who once wrote a obscure book about a transgender soccer player being recruited from Kenya, that turned horribly wrong on Halloween, prior to a homecoming game the following day.

In the story, the player, with a language barrier, didn't understand the Italian coach when he said he "had to make his bones, before he could become a starter." I'm sure, without being graphic you can take the plot from there.

What finally got ESPN interested, according to Captain Morse, was some sample tapes submitted by Skoob he made during a recent club rivalry game on his home pitch near Portsmouth. Here in his own words are some of the on field action:

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph....the lad's a right gift from God! No one can match his speed...and that kick...just the right lash...the ball is like a spear thrown at the opponents heart....There...did you see that, the pass was perfect and just needed a nudge from his mates arse to set it in the goal...he's like a thief in the night...he picked their pockets and they never felt his hand on their privates....oh, Laddie go! He's got stars in his toes, for they twinkle so, and a head like a sledgehammer....wait, he's set to shoot....HE SCORES, HE SCORES, HE SCORES!!!!! The lad's the fooking right foot of God, he is!"

As you can tell, that about wrapped it up for the big wigs at ESPN!

Skoob can also provide critically insightful on the sport he loves as witness this recent treatise on a local soccer forum:

"Some reasons why our American cousins don't get football.

1 - They don't understand the rules, even though they are much simpler than gridiron rules.

2 - The game is too fast, with not enough breaks in the game or ad breaks to allow for discussion and analysis.

3 - They don't seem to get it that players have to be capable of winning the ball, of passing the ball, of running with the ball, of kicking the ball, of intercepting the ball, passing, shooting, and being good with the head also helps. As do lightning reactions and superb spatial awareness. Supreme athleticism and stamina kind of help to.
Acting ability sometimes comes into play but it's not something we're proud of.

4 - They don't get the tribal aspect of it all, allegiances are formed from a very early age, most often with your local club, and local derby games are fiercely competitive. It's a matter of local pride. With all due respect, the Washington Redskins at the Dallas Cowboys is hardly a local derby - the two are miles apart. In soccer, derbies are sometimes over who is top dog in a particular city, between clubs based in that city, but often there's a much deeper rooted thing going on, frequently political. In Glasgow the Celtic v Rangers derby games are based on religion and the fact that Celtic were founded as an Irish Catholic immigrant charitable fund raising team, whereas Rangers were, and still are deeply rooted in Protestantism. In Spain, any clash between Real Madrid (Real meaning Royal) and Barcelona is especially vehement because Barcelona considers itself to not be Spanish, but Catalan, and continues to fight for its independence from the Madrid government. This lies rooted in the Spanish Civil War when troops loyal to Madrid invaded and occupied Barcelona."

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FUTBOL NOW, YANKS?

As for his co-host Erin, she says she ready to move on after covering the NHL, Football, College Basketball, and more recently Major League Baseball where on July 8 she took it on the chin from an errant ball by NY Yankees player Alex Cora. "It was a mistake,' she said later, " I tried to interview him in the shower and things slipped out of hand, with all that soap and all!" Except for a few hits from David Letterman, Erin escaped with nothing more than a bruised chin, and 50,000 more fans.

Erin also discounted recent notoriety when she was photographed through a peep hole in various hotels by a wacky amateur photographer, allegedly from West Virginia, who hoped to profit from the internet rights to the peep show.

Andrews said she feels much better working next to Skoob, who vowed to protect her 'with me life' against future stalking and the like, and said what won him over was the autographed picture she sent him powdering her privates in the Waldorf Astoria.

Contract amounts were not announced, but Morse said there was a sizable signing bonus, a generous clothing allowance from Versachi which would also promote Skoob's own line of exquisite knee length Italian black leather
trench coats, and his patented knee high socks with the Man U label.

The Oasis bar and grill in NY has announced it is expanding and installing 6 more 52" wide screen TV sets, and will be now be open from 10 PM till 6 AM so American Soccer fans can get their fill of the Bloody Game!

Make Morse's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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