Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 5 October 2009

image for Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders In Alleged Bank Robbery
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

Police in Denver, Colorado have issued arrest warrants for six cheerleaders after a daring raid on a city bank this morning, in which 16 customers were assaulted, and three more had their faces sat on.

The incident came only hours after the Dallas Cowboys had surrendered a 10-7 halftime lead to lose 17-10 to the Broncos at Mile High Stadium yesterday. It's thought the cheerleaders, upset at the loss, may have exacted revenge on an unsuspecting Denver public to 'even up the score'.

According to witnesses, just after 9am this morning, six busty wenches clad in the uniforms of the cheerleaders, burst through the doors of the bank at 999 18th Street, and told customers to lie on the ground.

Most did, but those who didn't were quickly laid flat by a series of karate-chops and kicks, accompanied by close-harmony chanting and well-drilled dance moves.

One of those present, Leon Traynor, 32, told us:

"I'm sure one of them was Abigail Klein, the blond babe. Her favourite movie is Fight Club. She punched me out, then revived me by rubbing me in the face with her bosoms!"

Frightening though that may have been for poor Leon, a far scarier experience was had by another victim, Derek Fitzgubbins, the bank's janitor. Derek, 53, had to be sedated after he had convulsions during the raid when another cheerleader, thought to have been 20-year-old Kelsi Reich, remorselessly pummelled him to the ground, then straddled him wearing tight white hot pants. He said:

"She sat with her pussy up against ma chin. She was moist. It was horny as fuck!"

Bank manager, Richard Stead, told police that, although he had initially sounded the alarm for a robbery, nothing was actually stolen, and that the whole incident seemed to have been staged as an act of wanton violence and entertainment.

Afterwards, he told me:

"Cassie Trammell walked right up to me and grabbed my balls, then gave me a sultry look and walked away again. I came in my pants, then rang the cops. By the time they arrived, the girls had made good their escape. I hope they come back next year."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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