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Friday, 2 October 2009

image for Shockwaves reverberate around the footballing world as Crewe sack their manager
'Who? Oh, Crewe'

Millions of people spontaneously gathered in streets and parks across the world in disbelief today, after it was announced that the mighty Crewe Alexandria had sacked their manager, Viking Ssorenssonnson.

Some were clearly in a state of shock, many had donned black armbands and mourning colours, from cities as far apart as Rio de Janeiro and Cape Town, from Madrid to Chicago, from Bratislava to Dunedin, from Macclesfield to that place near the M6 service station.

'Shocked and horrified by the news', BBC TV football pundit Alan Hanyawn complained, 'what were Crewe thinking of? One of the biggest clubs in the world sacking the legendary manager Ssorenssonnson, just as Crewe were mounting a serious challenge to qualify for the Champions' League in 2044. Now their plans will need to be rewritten, though Crewe's massive fan base and multimillion pound squad will interest most top British and European managers.'

Current Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson denied he was applying for the Crewe post, saying 'I dinnae want tae let down the Old Trafford fans after all my years of success here, but you don't get a much bigger job than managing The Tricycle Men. 'The Trikes' will certainly interest Jose Morinho and Fabio Capello, mebbe even Arsene Wenger.'

A massive crowd of Crewe fans is now at the Copacabana beach in Brazil, some there crying and tearing their clothes in desperation and grief, other calling for the Pope 'to visit Crewe and sort thees terrible problem out!' Others were demanding that a culprit for the outrage should be found and shot, preferably Gary Lineker.

'Morte alla Linaka!' was the shout all across South America, while in England a mass Walkers crisp packet burning took place near Leicester. In Belfast effigies of Lineker were being set fire to, the Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced a full government inquiry into the Ssorenssonnson sacking to be held, 'In a hotel in the Seychelles for the next six months',

and US President Barack Obama said 'If we, now, see Crewe Alexandria as a fine example of what has made England, and will make England greater, greater than its earlier greatness, this we may say with absolute certainty, having come this far up the M6 - yes we can, reappoint Viking Ssorenssonnson.'

Gerry Adams MP called Ssorenssonnson's sacking 'Another oggsomple of Brotosh opprossion', Margaret Thatcher said 'How typical of those fake Tory New Labour oiks!', Transport and Long Tea Breaks on Overtime and General Layabouts Union leader Jim Jimmison called for another tea break at the news, and BNP leader Nick Niffin added 'I blame the [insert latest scapegoats' name here] for this unBritish outrage!'

Factories and schools were closed across Great Britain as a mark of respect at the tragic tragedy, this weekend's Old Firm match between the Annoying Tims and the Even More Annoying Bluenoses has been postponed, the United Nations headquarters in New York closed early, and Sir Elton John has hastily rererewritten 'Candle in the Wind', which will be rererereleased tomorrow as 'Crewe in the Wind'. Here are the lyrics:

'Goodbye Ssorenssonnson
Though we'd never heard of you at all
You had the grace to lose gracefully
While those around you won the ball

The name Crewe Alexandria
Crawled into the weekly pools
With whispered names
Like Torquay, Tranmere, the 'Pool

And it seemed to me you ran your team
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing the **** where next week's League 2
Game would be played

And you would have liked the Reds' job
Or to be at Real Madrid
The Crewe job burned out long before
Any Cheshire legend start-ed

Loneliness was tough
Tiny gates whenever Crewe played
Bollywood shot a movie there
Delhi belly was the price you paid

Even when they sacked you
Oh, the press still ignored you
All the papers had to say
Was 'Who is Ssorenssonnson?'

And it seemed to me you ran your team
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing the **** where next week's League 2
Game was played

And you would have liked the Reds' job
Or to be at Real Madrid
The Crewe job burned out long before
Any Cheshire legend start-ed

Goodbye Ssorenssonnson
From the bloke up in the 22nd row half asleep
Who sees there's more to life than football
Especially games at Crewe

Goodbye Ssorenssonnson
Another dropped point by you
If Partick win and Scunthorpe lose
Woohoo!

And it seemed to me you ran your team
Like a fart against the wind
Playing games in towns that aren't even on
Googlemaps

And you would have liked the Man. U. job
Or to be at Real Madrid
The Crewe job burned out long before
Any Cheshire legend start-ed

[Fade to sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth of football fans across the world]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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