Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 28 September 2009

image for West Ham And Millwall Settle Differences
Hammers and Lions fans shake

West Ham and Millwall, the two teams at the centre of an FA investigation into violence after their recent Carling Cup match at Upton Park, have decided to settle their long-standing differences, to shake hands and to let bygones be bygones.

The two east London rivals have endured a past littered with violence that stretches back to before 1850, with frequent clashes occurring in and around the local pubs, shopping centres, and bus and railway stations.

Millions have been hurt, maimed or embarrassed, and many more have been taunted and made to feel scared by shouting and jeering.

Now though, all that is set to change.

West Ham chairman, Andrew Bernhardt, told us:

"We aint got naffin against Miwwaw. Less shake 'ands, 'ave a beer an' on wiv de foight against relegation!"

His Millwall counterpart, American John Berylson, said:

"The Hammers fans will always be welcome down at the Den. We got together and decided that all this violence and intimidation were counterproductive, and detracted from the teams' efforts towards success. We're going to put all this 'bad feeling' behind us, and from this historic day forward, there will be a new and exciting relationship between the two teams of Westhampstead United and Mill Wall ... that's how you say it, isn't it?""

The FA investigation into the incident found that both teams failed to ensure that their fans refrained from:

- Violent, threatening, obscene and provocative behaviour

- Racist behaviour

- Throwing missiles, harmful or dangerous objects onto the pitch

West Ham were additionally charged with failing to ensure their snacks and refreshment facilties were up-to-scratch. One fan was hurt when a meat pie thrown from the stands landed on his head, whilst another suffered the effects of food poisoning after consuming twelve steak burgers and a Wagon Wheel.

Former West Ham manager Harry Redknapp, now Spurs boss, said the sides should never be allowed to meet again, like he should never be allowed to take bungs again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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