Written by Vondrook
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Topics: New York Times

Thursday, 24 September 2009

image for Dale Earnhardt Jr. Asked to Pick up Bread; Circles Block 500 Times

MEMPHIS-- NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr., son of a dead NASCAR driver of a similar name, ended up circling the block of his home 500 times after he was asked by his wife to pick up a loaf of bread.

"All I said to him was, 'Dale, could you pick us up some bread to make the kids' lunches'," reported his wife Emily. "Then he put on his racing helmet and fire-proof suit. I thought to myself, '...the fuck you doin, Dale?"

At 3:00 in the afternoon, Dale exited the driveway in his NASCAR regallia, and began to circle the block at a wreckless speed. Ignoring all stop signs and traffic signals, Dale roared through his neighborhood, causing residents to watch in horror from their front lawns. Fellow motorist, Doug Galvin had a near fatal accident during Dale's 500 lap tirade. "Fuckin' guy clipped my rear fender," said Galvin, "I pulled off to the side, and he sped past me, yelling, 'I rubbed you! Rubbin' is racin!' Whatever the hell that means."

Local police were called to the scene, but felt that there was little that could be done. "It's a small neighborhood," said Sergeant Clive Walker, "we could put down some strips on the road to blow out his tires, but we're worried about his speed and potential property damage to residents' homes."

After closing off all connecting roads leading into Dale's neighborhood, local police joined the other residents in watching Dale make laps. "We're just gonna have to wait, I guess," said Walker, "wait until he runs out of gas or something. This is so fucking ridiculous. People think that he's just completely snapped, but personally, I just don't think this asshole knows how to make a right turn."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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