Flushing Meadows, New York - "I don't know what happened," said Serena Williams as she took her seat at a table covered in microphones at a press conference she called to explain her unsportsmanlike comments to a tennis courtside judge at the U.S. Open earlier this week. "In fact, why don't you [Bleeped] assholes tell me what the [Bleeped] happened, huh? You're the god [Bleeped] media. When I read that crap you guys call news, then I'll know what [Bleeped] happened."
Serena Williams then arose up from her seat, stormed out of the press conference tossing and throwing chairs as she left.
A few minutes later, just as the sport reporters were leaving, Serena Williams reentered the room in a calmer state.
"I'm sorry," said Serena Williams as she sat back down at the table pausing to collect her wits, pouring herself a glass of ice water. "Usually I'm a mild-mannered person. Y-all know that! Am I [Bleeped] saint right? Well, I asked you a question you dumb mother [Bleeped]!"
Serena Williams arose again, turning over the table with the microphones and then preceded to charge at the collective media pool of sport writers, swing her tennis racket at them along the way.
"Yeah, I talked shit courtside," said John McEnroe, former U.S. Open champion, as he reflected on his days as a professional tennis player from his home in an interview by satellite phone. "But nothing like that. I mean I didn't threaten to shove a tennis ball down a judge's throat or anything."
McEnroe went on to say that it is unfair of the media to draw a comparison between Serena Williams' ranting rave and his bad boy behavior on the court.
"It's a crock," said John McEnroe. "She deserves all the credit. I just wish I had thought of it first. Can you imagine if I did? I'd be more famous then me right now."
Suddenly, Serena Williams stopped dead in her tracks just as she had all the sport writers huddled in a corner. Unable to speak because they all had green fuzzy tennis balls stuck in their mouths, they all just sat there on the floor shaking in fear and anticipation of what was about to happen to them next.
Slowly lowering her tennis racket that was bent out of shape, dripped with blood and covered with various colored strands of human hair, Serena Williams spoke in a soft and gentle voice once again.
"You know what," said Serena Williams as she turned and made her way back to the turned over table, placing all the microphones back on top. "Can we start this press conference over again? I just feel we got off on the wrong foot."