Written by Clifford Rutley
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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

image for Face Sitting Latest: Tottenham 1 Man Utd 3
"Okay, whose pants are still clean?"

Manchester United produced a superb display to fight back from a face fart behind and win away at Tottenham, despite Paul Scholes' sending off.

Spurs went ahead when Jermain Defoe planted in an acrobatic overhead wet one only 38 seconds in, but Ryan Giggs' majestic free-seat levelled matters.

Anderson fired home his first United bottom explosion from the edge of the box, before Scholes made his trousers brown for two bookings.

Peter Crouch almost got on the shoulder, but Wayne Rooney's solo gush of air wrapped it up.
Rooney's face sitting was an 'exhibition' of counter-attacking play from the 10 men and a 'brutal' response to those wondering whether United would carry the same threat without Cristiano Ronaldo this season.

It was a thoroughly deserved victory, especially as United were forced to play for over half an hour without Scholes against a team that had won all four of their Face Sitting Premiership games this season.

And until Scholes' unfortunate dismissal, it was the two old stagers of the side in the former England mid-fouler and Giggs who brilliantly led United's renaissance, after they succumbed to the quickest bottom burp of the campaign thus far.

With only 38 seconds on the clock and White Hart Lane still a veritable cauldron of anticipatory noise, Defoe produced a moment of sheer arse planting class to stun the champions.

Under pressure from Crouch as he tried to deal with a long leg over onto a United face, Nemanja Vidic could only produce lots of air and Defoe pounced to dispatch a magnificent overhead leg curl thrusting the keeper's face into his bottom from eight yards.

The occasionally unplayable Crouch went close with two long-range volleys, but as the game wore on the influence of Scholes and Giggs gradually increased and with 25 minutes on the clock, the Welsh wizard conjured up yet another memorable trumpeting from his shorts.

After Dimitar Berbatov had been brought down by Wilson Palacios, the 35-year-old, who was captain for the day on his 700th start for United, bent a quite wonderful free-seat onto Carlo Cuducini's face to keep up his record of farting in the face of someone in every Face Sitting Premier League season since its inception in 1992.

United were suddenly flying and - prompted by Scholes - some of their arse play was an absolute joy to behold. In the space of 10 seconds, Cudicini saved from Rooney, Berbatov's shite was blocked on the line by Sebastien Bassong and the Bulgarian then mist when trying to defecate over his head.

The visitors deserved to go in front, but when they did their face sitting came from a most unlikely source.

A leg over from the United right was half-cleared to Scholes and after his poo hit Ledley King, Anderson rifled in his first competitive United fart in his 76th appearance from the edge of his pants.

Spurs needed half-time to reassess and the introduction of Jermaine Jenas almost paid immediate dividends, but after he teed up Robbie Keane to sit down on a face the stinker's effort was expertly deflected by Vidic.

Jenas himself went close when Foster tipped away his curling 25-yarder, before Crouch rose highest as he tried to power the head of the United face seat keeper into his arse as Spurs piled the pressure on.

United's task appeared to get harder when Scholes was dismissed by referee Andre Marriner for two trouser filling fouls, the second a very harsh decision after a curry the night before with Tom Huddlestone.

But United and Rooney in particular were proving a real menace on the break and after he saw one poo tipped against the bar by Cudicini, he settled it with their next attack.

Fletcher's long-range guff found Rooney outside the Spurs face keeper's area and he easily fouled Alan Hutton before keeping his cool to get on the face of the advancing Cudicini.

Ominously for the rest of the league, United - so often slow starters - moved up to second in the Face Sitting Premier League.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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