American tennis player Serena Williams today mistakenly entered the WBO heavyweight boxing title fight in Madison Square Garden, New York City, thinking she was entering the US Open tennis championships.
'I had spent the morning working on my triceps', she said, 'then making my thighs look even more like redwood pine tree trunks than they already are, and then I had my usual lunch of a 32 ounce raw steak and 12 pounds of mashed potatoes, washed down with a case of beer.'
'After that I called a cab to take me to Flushing Meadows, but the short delivered me to The Garden by mistake. And next minute I was in the ring, fighting Kim 'Muscles from near Brussels' Clijsters for the WBO heavyweight championship of the world! Man, she was a tough fighter!'
The fight began quietly enough, though Williams was using her phenomenal masculine strength to pin Clijsters against the ropes a few times, but the Belgian held on for the bell, and the referee ordered the two to break.
But Williams lost her head completely at that, and for no other reason than having a body pumped full of testosterone she ran to her corner and smashed a water bottle with her bare hand, receiving a penalty point deduction from the judges.
Then in round 2 Clijsters began showing why she has become such a successful sportswoman, and that it's not only musclebound freaks that can win at sports like boxing and tennis, and soon her skill began to tell, as she managed quite a few telling jabs on Williams' concrete jaw - though in any clinches the American's enormous muscular chest meant Clijsters looked like a tiny girl being hugged by a particularly macho brown bear.
After that the rounds began to go the Belgian's way, and it was obvious that Williams was losing badly, when all of a sudden she broke off fighting and turned on the referee, screaming 'I is gonna kill you, mother****er, coz I just ain't as good as Kim! And I ain't as good-lookin'!',
and then began crying and stamping her feet on the ground, in what looked rather like a tantrum from a small girl whose father has hothoused a talentless freak into a world sports champion, one that would never have won anything without her father's money and her grotesque, masculine, muscular body. And huge amounts of testosterone. But Williams lost this fight, and Kim Clijsters was crowned the WBO heavyweight champion of the world.
'You know', Serena said after the contest, 'I think I'll stick with tennis. No need for any skill or science in that sport, as long as my body is one that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be proud of I can win against any woman. But with boxing you need timing and patience, and strength and aggression don't really count for too much.'
And Clijsters herself added: 'It's a kind of role reversal, isn't it? When the smaller, quiet girl beats the huge aggressive one with all the bulging muscles, reminds me of when Sugar Ray Leonard beat Roberto Duran.'
'I'd like to say 'I am the greatest!', but as I'm just a rather polite European girl that's quite good at sports I think I'll just go home and treat myself to a bar of chocolate.'
Serena Williams was seen on the telephone talking to Don King, asking him to be her new tennis coach.