Written by sezluke
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Saturday, 12 September 2009

image for Ashley dines with animal lovers

In an unexpected twist in the turmoil of running Newcastle United, owner Ashley appears to have ditched his fellow cockney chums in favour of befriending those more acquainted with the animal kingdom.

Peter Reid, infamous in Tyneside not for his playing days or managerial 'achievements' but for his remarkable resemblance to a monkey was seen at Shearer's bar bonding with Ashley over a pint and banana before moving on to the Strawberry.

Waiting for the two Geordie favourite's, having just bought a round was Keano. Ashley and Reid didn't have to look hard for the Irishman as he was sat outside with his Labrador.

Having beaten his 'downing' record previously held at the Emirates Stadium, the Spurs fan and his friends caught the metro the Gosforth where they had a table booked at a local Chinese. After a somewhat heated exchange with the owner, Keane agreed to leave his Labrador outside and Reid just about persuaded the restaurant owner that it was merely banter between him and the toon fans. Apparently, he isn't actually a monkey, yeah try telling 50,000 others that.

Once settled, the trio got to business over a banquet which Reid insisted contained Cashew nuts in each dish. A fellow diner overheard Ashley mocking 'King Kev's' infamous rant saying, 'I'll love it if we stay down, love it'. His two companions for the night were laughing along blissfully unaware that Ashley wanted to hire them for one reason and one reason only, to ensure further humiliation for the tens of thousands of Geordie's who made him fear for his family's safety, as if relegation and the new away shirts wasn't enough.

By the end of the evening and some pints later, the cockney released the following statement: 'I Mike Ashley, after much deliberation have appoint Roy Keane and Peter Reid as manager and assistant respectively.

To avoid future differences Roy's wish for his Labrador to sit in the dug-out has been granted and Peter will be able to swing around the stadium on match days. It has taken four months to appoint somebody, partly because I'm an incompetent businessman but mainly because Gazza wouldn't agree to get back on the booze in order to get the job. I would also like to announce that the club is no longer for sale and I shall be staying for at least the next five seasons. Howay the lads.'

Newcastle United fans now have the next five seasons to endure what can only be described as monkey business both on and off the pitch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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