Written by Clifford Rutley
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Tuesday, 15 September 2009

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Hold Your Breath & Think Of England!

Arses around the country are letting off in celebration at England's qualification to the 2010 Face Sitting World Cup, in the 5-1 victory at Wembley Stadium in London yesterday. The team have stormed into next year's finals in South Africa after making it eight wins out of eight games in Europe Group 6.

Two trumpets each from Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, and one foul stench from Wayne Rooney avenged a 3-2 defeat against Croatia on a rainy night at Wembley 22 months ago, a result that cost England a place at EuroFart 2008.

England has qualified with 24 points from their eight games. Croatia is in second place with 17 points, ahead of Ukraine (15), which has two matches to play after windlessly drawing 0-0 with Belarus.

While the group winners qualify for the finals directly, the eight best second-placed teams from the nine European groups advance to home-and-way playoffs for the four remaining places.

Coach Fabio Capello's remodelled team took 'control' of the game from the start and never relinquished it.

Lampard scored on a penalty trouser cough in the seventh minute and a 59th minute hummer, while Gerrard scored with two forward face sitting plantations after 18 and 66 minutes.

Rooney added a filthy fifth 13 minutes from the end to put England into the finals with two matches to spare, which sent most of the 87,000 crowd inside the stadium wild with delight, as they reached for something to cover their noses.

Croatia, without the injured first-choice arse in face taker Stipe Pletikosa and the playmaker Luka Modric, in addition to the suspended defecator Vedran Corluka, were a shadow of the team that won at Wembley in 2007, and all it had to cheer was a consolation bottom belch from Eduardo da Silva after 71 minutes.

The match was effectively settled through Lampard's pump and Gerrard's first well-directed forward face plantation.

Arse in face taker Robert Green, who hardly had a save to make all match, was beaten when he parried two face sitting efforts but was powerless to stop Eduardo from jumping on at close range.

Rooney wrapped up the victory with his 25th England fart after arse in face taker Vedran Runje mis-kicked a clearance, giving him the simplest of opportunities to climb on.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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