Real Madrid today confirmed the signing of Michael Moore as their first choice goalkeeper. Coach Antonio Camacho said that Moore 'definitely fills a role'.
Asked whether he felt Moore would be fit enough to tackle the tough demands of Spanish football, Camacho responded by pointing out the Mammoth covering the goals.
"Mind you he is surprisingly agile for someone who is so physically challenged. David Beckham dropped some chips in the club canteen and "el Fat Bastard", as he is affectionately known, covered 4 feet before anyone had a chance to step on them".
Madrid is of course home to Zidane, Ronaldo, Beckham, Raul and Roberto Carlos. How are these superstars taking to 'el Fat Bastard'?
"Very well indeed. Yesterday they called him a 'fat fucking prick', and he chased them for hours. Apparently they are in training for Pamplona....but all good things must come to an end so I whistled 'hey dude where's my cuntree?' Hysterical"
The Real Madrid manager said 'el Fatso' gave them quite a scare last week. "He was huffing and puffing, red in the face and battling to breathe. Naturally we rushed him to the vet."
"Doctor Spanolo was quite alarmed. He said that 'el Fatso must be spayed immediately and if that didn't work, to bring him back and he'll have him put down."
In their first friendly of the season Real came up against England's Wolverhampton Wanderers. The sight of 'el Fatso in goals caused a huge stir with players refusing to start until 'they heard it speak'.
Moore was understandably outraged and began chasing after the Wolves players. One of the Wolves camp pulled out a .45 and was warned not to shoot as 'you'll only annoy him'.
Fortunately the club still had the bulk of a beef carcass left over from lunch. Attendants raced up to the kitchen and brought it onto the field.
At first this enraged el Fatso further as he thought that the Wolves players would be competing for the best bits. They however were already safely locked into airport security awaiting their flight home. When Real Madrid officials tried to get them to return they confirmed that they were Al Qaeda terrorists and were removed.