ANNOUNCER: With July featuring both an All-Star Game and a political convention, it's time to celebrate with a collection of hits, misses and field goals about our national pastime: sex. Or is it politics? Shopping? Nope, it's...
And to throw out the first pitch, let me introduce Pfc. Lynndie England of the US Army! She winds up and fires a strike right to the catcher's crotch - OUCH! Who knew the baseball was laced with razor blades! He-he, that Lynndie!! He falls to the ground, writhing in pain and the Private gives a big THUMBS UP as the photographer's cameras flash. So now on with the game!
Thanks to genetic engineering, a total lack of morality and a TON of cash, the NY Yankees announced a new partnership today with ReverseDeath Industries, who together have bought the DNA of the entire baseball Hall of Fame and will begin "reanimating" the pantheon of baseball immortals and signing them to long-term contracts. As if fielding a team of current All Stars wasn't enough, the Yankees will soon be able to call upon a roster of Ty Cobb, Honus Wagner and, of course, Babe Ruth himself.
In a sign of things to come, this year's winner of the Cy Young Award is…Cy Young.
Putting truth to the baseball cliché "I'll play until they tear this jersey off my back," fans in several losing cities are starting to do just that. Angry fans in Arizona and Cleveland have recently taken to the field and physically ripped the uniforms off of disappointing stars such as Robbie Alomar and Jose Jimenez, respectively.
Oddly, the players still refused to leave the field and continued playing, clad only in cleats and protective cups.
Continuing on the "angry fan" theme, elderly patrons at a Florida Marlins game attending "Hearing Aid Battery Night" became so enraged during a musical break between innings that they began hurling thousands of the free hearing aid batteries onto the field. Apparently upset at the incredibly loud and poor quality music of Britney Spears, the seniors also tossed several colostomy bags from the upper decks, nearly hitting attending Governor Jeb Bush who slipped and fell amongst their discarded contents. Cheers erupted, although the Governor later had the offending elderlies euthanasized.
In an unsurprising move, the US Olympic Committee has unilaterally and in advance awarded all of the medals for the 2004 Olympics to US athletes. USOC Chairman Peter Ueberroth explained the move by saying "And…whatcha gonna do about it?"
In a joint appearance by OHS Chief Tom Ridge and all 30 baseball owners, the Office of Homeland Security announced that terrorists were planning to attack baseball stadiums over the summer. The Chief encouraged fans to root as usual, but stay vigilant when coming to the stadium and to buy extra souvenirs, chili nachos and curly fries - with cheese - in order to show Al Qaeda that Americans will not live in fear (unless Bush needs them to.)
Sixth Inning - Rain Delay!
And speaking of Tom Delay, a little-mentioned aspect in the continuing probe into his corrupt fundraising practices is that, well, he's an insane asshole. While formerly working as an exterminator for 12 years, he must have inhaled a LOT of insecticide.
Seventh Inning Stretch
Let's have a big round of applause for Attorney General John Ashcroft, who is on hand to sing "Let The Eagle Soar" for this sold-out crowd. And just as the song reaches a crescendo - look! - a real bald eagle has been released to fly over the stadium. It's a beautiful sight, full of patriotic pride, especially when the eagle drops what looks like a ten-ton bomb of bird shit on Ashcroft's head. The national symbol is immediately attacked by the FBI with stun guns and taken to an undisclosed country for torturing - I mean, questioning.
Bowing to the controversy surrounding putting "Spider-Man 2" logos on all of the bases, MLB and Fox begin chroma-keying images of Fox News anchors onto the bases, including home plate, the outfield wall, the on-deck circle, dugout roof, all of the seats, uniforms and, in the kind of technological innovation that Fox Sports is known for, the baseballs themselves. Strangely, media protests to this move are mute.
In a baseball first, an all-steroid team of Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and Co., hit back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs - the first time an entire team has homered in succession through its nine-man lineup.
In protest, the new Yankees team of "reanimated all stars" commits mass suicide. In a final joint statement read by Babe Ruth, "Honestly, we'd rather be dead."