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Saturday, 22 August 2009

image for Premier League protects its image by changing player names
Stan Mouyokolo - Latics fan who changed his Mill's name

To protect its image as a perfect group delivering perfect football coverage, the top football league announced today that it will simplify all player names too difficult for the nation's broadcasters to pronounce.

This development follows the season opener weekend when listeners stared at their radios, open mouthed, as commentators on BBC Radio 5 Live and the commercial station Talksport embarrassed themselves, their stations and the league as they tried (and failed) to pronounce such names as Mouyokolo, Olofinjana, N'Zonzi, Figueroa, Piquionne and Higginbotham.

In a 'behind closed doors' meeting after the final whistle, a chief executive was heard screaming at his staff to enact an immediate and sweeping damage limitation exercise to protect the league, fearing the undermining of the League's new slogan 'We're perfect. We're the best - Say it and you'll believe it'.

Every club will have a meeting with what critics regard as a Spanish Inquisition style hit team to review the name of every player. David Coleman and Kenneth Wolstenholme sound-alikes will be in attendance to demonstrate their ability (or otherwise) to pronounce each name. The Stasi-style Image Management Team team will strike out the problem names and create the new shorter solutions on the spot.

The chief exec was adament that this practice was not in any way a form of social engineering. 'After all, in the Lancashire Cotton towns, mill names were shortened for easy recognition back in the 19th Century', he emphasised.

What few know is that despite obvious Viking heritage in the name Mouyokolo consistent with Hull's East Riding location, it was in the North West that Stan Mouyokolo, Great Grandfather of Hull City's Steven, made his mark on history. A lifelong Latics fan, Stan actually owned the largest mill in late Victorian Oldham. He changed the name from Mouyokolo Mill to Elk Mill so as to make life easier for workers, suppliers, associates and the local community. 'We're just following time honoured practice to make life easier for everyone', the chief confirmed.

When pushed he denied being influenced by power brokers in other sports, especially bosses of the WTA Tour who, fearing damage to US sponsor relations in the world of women's tennis, threatened recently to dock ranking points from touring professionals, especially Koreans, who could not conduct post match press interviews in English.

No-one believes him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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