Written by Blazing Saddle
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Topics: Golf, Tiger Woods

Monday, 17 August 2009

image for Golf Spectator Behaviour Standards - New Report
Golf fan awaiting the first blow by the 3-iron of God

There has been a quiet revolution in the monitoring of golf-watching standards around the world.

For 3 years ago, a GolfWatch panel was established and it has quietly and diligently observed the world of the golf fan.

GolfWatch has now issued its findings.

"We have seen the highs and the lows" observes GolfWatch chairman Obadiah Rachmaninoff, "and we have made the following decisions".

From now on, any golf spectator who knowingly utters the phrase "You're the man" within earshot of any other living person is to have a 3-iron broken on his knuckles.

Any person wearing a T shirt with the slogan "Never Mind The Love And Passion, Whack It Up Her Doggy Fashion" is to be offered the choice of petrol or paraffin with which to burn themselves to death.

Persons wishing to gurn for TV cameras uttering phrases like "Hello Mum" are to receive lifetime bans from all public events.

Any person uttering the phrase "In The Hole" is immediately to be beheaded by a specially recruited force of jihadist militia.

The most condign punishment is however reserved for inane golf commentators who utter the remark "I wonder if this is a little chink in his armour" about half way through the final round of the first Asian competitor to win a Major Championship.

These individuals are to be invited to commit seppuku with a rusty fish knife or face slow death by drowning in pig dung with their nostrils taped open.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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