Golfing great Tiger Woods is asking his many friends for help as he has been suffering from "Air Tulip's Disease", a disease that many older men experience, especially in the southern United States.
"That's where I think I may have picked it up", Tiger told the National Inquisitor. "There are old guys sitting around under apple or plum trees and in metal chairs who think it's the grandest thing in the world to let a ringing blast any time they can and shout, "There she goes! Catch Her! Catch Her!"
Tiger said he had experienced the phenomenon before and he thought it so childish that he actually shouted to one old fart, "Hey, is that all you have to do?"
It turned out to be an ugly old Lady at that particular time and she shouted back at Tiger, "Bubble Bubble, Toil & Trouble, Ass Full of Air and Gas Pain Double!" Tiger has had gas pains ever since but only last weekend at the Buick Open did it come into play.
"I've tried different diet programs and foods and doctor's advice but nothing helps. It seems to be getting worse because no one will pair up with me on the tour but John Daley. Now they refer to us as the "Toxic Twins".
"So now that the farts are out in the open, would anyone know a cure for excess gas or how to remove an ancient old lady's curse?"