Written by Monkey Woods
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Monday, 3 August 2009

image for Hull City Fans Block Samaritans Switchboard
Hello, the Samaritans. Oh, no, not another City fan!!!!

Hull City fans, desperate at the lack of activity in the close-season transfer market by manager Phil Brown and chairman Paul Duffen, have hit rock bottom before the campaign has even begun, and have turned to the one organisation that claims to be able to help absolutely anyone in distress - The Samaritans.

Thousands of Tigers fans have contacted the counselling service normally associated with those who are on the brink of mental collapse - some even suicidal - and, in so doing, have completely blocked the organisation's switchboard.

Mary Death of the Samaritans said:

"We've had literally thousands of calls from Hull City fans. They all want Phil Brown to get off his arse and strengthen the squad, but he's been too busy running off to China to take part in some Mickey Mouse Cup. It's sad really. How can they stay up with this shower of shit?"

City survived their first season in the Premier League by the skin of their teeth last year, and supporters had been expecting some new signings to provide hope of improvement in their second season.

Brown though, has failed to come up with the goods. Cardiff's Joe Ledley and Ross McCormack, and Fulham's Bobby Zamora, 41, have all slipped through the net, as have Fraizer Campbell, Marc-Antoine Fortune and Michael Owen, who linked up with Manchester United.

Sunderland striker Daryl Murphy failed to agree personal terms, and one player that definitely will not be making the move to the KC Stadium is former Charlton and Portsmouth winger Jerome Thomas.

Thomas, 26, spent 10 days on trial and played in the pre-season games at North Ferriby, Winterton and Carlisle, but later told Brown:

"You're shite!"

Another listener at the Samaritans in Hull, Joan Pessy-Mist, told us:

"Brown and Duffen should act soon, or else we might be looking at some major mass incident involving scarves being turned into nooses."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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