Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 25 July 2009

image for Barry Bonds Signs With The Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters
Hokkaido Ham Sandwich Stadium where Barry Bonds will be launching homerun balls into orbit.

PETALUMA, California - San Francisco's Channel 49 has announced that baseball superstar Barry Bonds has just been signed by the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters of Japan.

Bonds' agent Hugo Frackenfish told Channel 49 that his client is thrilled at the prospect of being given a second chance which is something his landlord, his auto mechanic, Major League Baseball, and his wife did not do.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: A close friend of the family has stated that Mrs. Bonds has changed her mind about divorcing her husband, so she in effect is giving him a second chance.]

When Bonds was asked by Lolly Arkwriter, a reporter for The San Francisco Bay Bugler how he thought he would do playing in Japan he replied, "Ma'am, please excuse my filthy language but I am going to set all kinds of %#$@*&#% records once I start playing."

Bonds added that he is going to hit baseballs so hard, so high, and so far that the game will be over before those babies come down.

When asked about the language barrier he asked what barrier. He then said that he has a grandmother, an uncle, a second cousin twice removed (once forcibly), an ex-girlfriend, two maids, and a gardener who are all Japanese.

He said that he could count from 1 to 19,000 in Japanese before he was seven-years-old. He added that his mother used to pack him sushi sandwiches in his Mickey Mantle lunchbox.

Bonds said that he is really looking forward to eating Japanese food, which he is quick to point out does not, unlike some American foods, contain anabolic steroids.

He then said that he wanted to make it perfectly clear that if he did indeed test positive for anabolic steroids in the past, it was due to the fact that he ate a lot of Big Macs, which up until recently were believed to contain large amounts of Ballamusamaker Nine, a muscle-making steroid that has now been taken off the market.

Barry said that he will be wearing uniform number 99. When asked if the number had any particular significance Bonds replied that it did. He smiled and said that it represents the amount of money (in millions) that he will be getting paid.

He said that team owner Takumi Kawashima personally signed him to a three year - $99 million contract. The biggest contract in Japanese baseball history also includes a $10,000 bonus for each home run over 100 that he hits per season.

There is also a food clause in his contract which states that Bonds can eat as many double wiener hot dogs (in the dugout) as he wants during the game at no charge.

Bonds admits that he has been offered several nice perks. He is due to meet with team manager Yuuto "Sunfrower Seeds" Onosaki about what brand of dugout recliner he wants the team to buy him. Bonds will also receive free lifetime Internet service, free medical, free dental, and a free Toyota Lexus.

Team owner Mr. Kawashima will also be throwing in a three-year family pass to Six Frags (Flags) Over Osaka plus 49 percent ownership in The Yellow Moon Chopstick Company, which last year had profits of $17.1 million.



Meanwhile in the texting world. The state of Arkansas has just passed an "Anti-Texting While Driving" Law. The first offense will result in a $500 fine. The second offense will result in a $5,000 fine. And the third offense will result in the individual being put in jail and beaten for ten minutes with a computer keyboard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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