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Thursday, 23 July 2009

image for Ulrika Jonsson named new Notts County manager
A map of countries that scorned Swedish women have destroyed in fits of temper

In a bid to sign a famous Swedish star to detract attention from the world's oldest football club being one of the world's worst ones, the club's owners today announced that sexy Swedish weathergirl Ulrika Jonsson was to become the English side's new manager.

'There'll be no complaints about seeing me topless in the changing room baths!', laughed the Scandinavian stunner, 'and chesting down the ball will take on a whole new meaning at Meadow Lane!'

But when asked about her managerial skills and abilities to run what is generally seen as a club in one of the most dismal and depressing parts of the English landscape, Miss Jonsson giggled, and said 'You can see my abilities, can't you? I may not know much about the offside rule, but I am the best export from Scandinavia since Carlsberg lager.'

'And as for my raping and pillaging ancestors, not to mention the ones that mass-murdered their way across Western Europe and beyond, if there's any raping being done in Nottinghamshire now, it'll be me that's doing it! Just ask Sven, when I want a man I get him, and that man had better not let me down, or it's on with the Viking helmet and off on the carefully-leaked-in-advance visit to whichever football team that man happens to manage!'

And pausing briefly to down a pint of Carlsberg in three seconds, Ulrika continued: 'Men are all little boys anyway, managing a football team's no different from being married. A husband married to a Swedish babe like me learns in about two and a half minutes how ruthless and determined we are. Football is simply kicking a piece of leather up and down a muddy field, if you're stronger and fitter than your opponents, you win.'

'Just think of Wimbledon with Vinny Jones as captain. Their tactics were to punch, kick, even headbutt the other players off the pitch, and they even managed to get into Europe, without a single tactic to do with soccer at all! County will be easy to run. And any time another team dares to score a goal against us at home, I'll start a striptease in front of their fans, that'll soon make them and their team lose interest in the game!'

Ulrika Jonsson is not the first Swede to enter the usually cutthroat arena of football management, as compatriot Sven 'Interesting' Goran Eriksson has also tried and repeatedly failed miserably to relive his glory days as manager of Italian side Parma, and failed again and again, so of course a pretty female weathergirl couldn't do any worse than him as vague director of something or other.

'He is pathetic!', Ulrika rasped, showing a hint of her Viking forebears' short temper, 'team after team he fails with, only a feeble publicity stunt is of any use for a team when Sven is around! I laugh in the face of his tame management skills, I spit in the eye of his bland, waffling way of boring people to death at the press conferences! I reveal my chest provocatively in his general direction, to show the clown what he is missing!'

'I sail my longboat across his front garden, and behead his garden gnomes in my anger and contempt at his useless time as England manager! I mass-murder him and his ugly Italian girlie friend with the huge chest, and the entire town of Nottingham County! DEATH TO SVEN!!!!!',

and the new Notts County manager had to be given a tranquilizer tablet to calm herself down, but not before chopping the head of a lifesize doll of Eriksson off with a 6-foot long sword.

Shares in Notts County F.C. were on fire at the news, though options in guaranteed end-of-season fixed-rate profit bonds had few takers, and the ones that took them are still wanted by the Danish police, for what they termed 'insider massacring and disembowelling of a once fine football club'.

Shares in Wonderbras Plc rose pertly, and figures in Weathergirlz Inc firmed up substantially after news of Miss Johnsson's appointment. The Sven Boringk Eriksson mobile phone company was declared bankrupt, while the Hot Wet Swedish Viking Girls As You've Never Seen Them Before film-making firm had their managing director publicly beheaded, and hanged, drawn and quartered, for 'Being boring'.

Latest score coming in: Notts County 0 Ulrika's Chest 42D.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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