Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 22 July 2009

image for Stevie G v Becks At Boxing - Joey Barton Has Dibs On Winner
That Crazy Bastard Joey Barton Just Called Me A Pussy. MOOOOOOMMMMM! WAAAAAH!

The Steven Gerrard to fight David Beckham saga took on a whole new twist this morning, as Joey Barton (future uncertain) challenged the winner of the Maracana Stadium 'Rumble In Rio' fight.

"I'd knock 'em both out," Barton quipped. "They're both pussies. I'll fight the winner. And then straight after that I'll fight the loser. Or I'll fight 'em both at once if yer like, like. And then after that, if there's spondoolies in it, I'll fight that gobshite out of Oasis, Robbie Williams, Rocky Balboa, and Muhammad Ali. It's not that I enjoy violence in in any way. It's just something I'm pretty good at. Tell that Don King fella to get at it an' sign me up. Now! Or I'll kick yer fuckin' head in...like."

So are Barton's boasts with some foundation or is he just another Scouse twat spouting hot air?

We asked 1990's kung-fu kicking, bitch slapping, soccer fighting legend Eric Cantona what he thought of the upcoming (or probably not) fights. He told us:

"When you spit in the ear of the cute pussycat, you unleash the lion within. The lion will then leap majestically into the sea, only to be pursued by submarine attack helicopters. But the pussy cat will prevail. No longer a lion, he will drag himself ashore on a sun drenched Pacific island beach. Shake the water from his fur. He will zen make his way to ze abode of ze JaggedOne, where he will be welcomed. And offered food, shelter, and undying love."

Mr Cantona then leaned back in his recliner, taking long sips from a glass of absinthe, lost in his own thoughts, smiling, and slowly nodding his head as though in response to some unheard question.

Frankly, this was all getting a bit too weird for us so we fucked off to the nearest bar.

We will Give You 'More As We Get It,' But Hopefully Not Wiz Ze Enigmatic Monsieur Cantona. We're not sure our underdeveloped brains are ready for it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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