The sport of ladies' tennis is not a joke, claimed the two Williams sisters, who always do everything together, including playing Grand Slam finals with one another.
'Look, smarty pants', Venus Williams said to this reporter, 'just because women's tennis player is made up with a mixture of stunning babes and unattractive lesbians that an unfit, overweight 50-year old man could easily win a three set match against, doesn't mean it's a joke. And just because it seems to be played in slow motion compared to men's tennis is a trick of the eye.'
'And', added her sister Serena Williams, 'the fact that our father took two untalented and unsporting girls and molded them into tennis-playing robots who win tournament after tournament doesn't belittle the sport. Does it?' 'No it doesn't', agreed Venus, 'nor does it make it mind-numbingly uninteresting and predictable. Oh no. No way, Henry.'
But from Moscow, tennis-playing stunner Maria Sharapova dared to disagree with the two sisters. 'If you wished to invent a genteel sport that girls can not only look fabulous playing at, but also dress in clothes that make them look even more, how you say, fantabulous in, then it would be called women's tennis.'
'It is a shame so many of the players look like men, of course, but me and Anna Kournikova and Jade Curtis make up for that. No wonder every man in Britain has the tennis on in June and July, it's thanks to babes like me!'
And Kournikova herself added: 'I never win anything, but am most popular girl player in history. It is what I think is technically called the 'Short Tight Skirts and Blouses' factor that help me become such a star with the men. And some women too, heh heh heh. Mine's a Smirnoff Black with ice, please, sir.'
The Williams' claims will be taken as seriously as the ones that female ice skating is not merely another sport for men to coincidentally always have on on television when it's on, just as female hammer throwers and weightlifters never interest them.
'If you take a female child and train it religiously to play tennis for years, that child will then become a professional player. And with the right muscle development, so it is twice as strong as most women, a champion', said a passing Mr X-Williams. 'Not even I'm bothering to watch today's match, it's like watching a computer playing itself at a sport.'
John McEnroe was asleep, along with all the other tennis fans of Great Britain.