Written by Earl Grey
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Friday, 3 July 2009

image for Scotsman Loses Tennis Match
"I'm No Stranger To A Court"

A Scotsman lost a tennis match today. He was beaten soundly and can now return to his crofter's cottage north of the border and keep Morag company. We will not see a kilted player on centre court again this year. It is thought that the sporran kept getting in the way at crucial moments. However, the BBC were delighted that he lost just in time for the One Show, thus saving any need to fill in.

The Scotsman was on the verge of being adopted by the nation and the media. Now he is just another Scotsman.

Many tennis players, past and present lined up to give their verdict. Boris Bonkers, the German former champ said "Where the fuck is Scotishland anyway?" John Macenrow, the bad tempered former winner, said "You cannot be serious. Oh, you are." Martina Navtwattilova, women's greatest player said "He's a wimp". Elena Balltoucha, who lost in the second round, said "See, it's not just us women who are crap". Jelena Yankitbitch, who once played with the Scotsman's brother, said "That's enough quotes".

The Scotsman has asked for new balls. Hopefully they will arrive in time for next year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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