After the worst spell in Australia's cricketing history, captain Ricky Ponting was sacked today, and the new captain Skippy the Bush Kangaroo was appointed. 'It's an honour to captain my country', Skippy said from his house in Waggawonga, New South Wales, 'and I intend to get the pride back into the team, and the way we play. We can't let the Poms get hold of The Ashes again!'
Few were surprised at what is basically a massive rabbit taking over the Australian team, as Skippy thrilled audiences across the world in his famous television programme, and showed all the skills and toughness needed to run a sporting team made up of ex-convicts, bank robbers and Irish revolutionaries.
In 1962 Skippy successfully saved the Queen from being assassinated in Sydney, by leaping out and kicking a gunman as he was about to shoot her, and in 1966 he successfully led a massive demonstration at Woomara to stop the nuclear tests being carried out there.
Former spin bowling legend Shane Warne fully endorsed the kangaroo becoming captain. 'Good on yer, Skip!', he said, from his rehab clinic in the Northern Territory, 'it's just what we need to get Oz back on top. Who can forget when he fought off those pirates in the Tasman Sea, to save all of those children? And when he scored the winning goal against New Zealand in that World Cup qualifying match, we already knew we had a sporting legend on our hands.'
But when it was pointed out that a large rabbit with no experience at playing cricket might not be the ideal captain, Warne disagreed. 'Listen, mate, Skippy can't be any worse than Ricky Ponting, can he? And anyway, he can put on the old boxing gloves if the Pakistanis start their usual tampering with the ball cheating. Another Fosters, please.'
The English team selectors were frantically searching pet shops throughout Australia, to see if they could find a kangaroo that qualified for a British passport.