Written by Boone Adams
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Topics: Los Angeles, Lakers

Wednesday, 7 July 2004

image for Shaq To Buy Coach K
Shaq after surgery with school mates

Los Angeles Ca. An identified source, close to Shaq O'Neal, stated today that the superstar L.A. Lakers center has made a bid to buy Coach K personally. The Lakers front office has denied any knowledge of the purchase, and are not speaking to anyone, unless Shaq permits it.

The news broke about 10:00 a.m. Shaq time .While the gentle giant was using his shoulder drop move to knock down elephants at the L.A. Zoo. Shaq was heard screaming, "He will work for me! I will own him, I will own his family and his life. I am The Shaq Master. Any team that wants Shaq will take Coach K or they won't get Shaq-Fu."

When one of Shaq's handlers explained that Coach K will not leave Duke University, the ultimate finesse player of the hardwood, threw Chris Webber out of a third story window. Mr. O'Neal then had to be sedated by allowing him to kick Vladi Divac down a flight of stairs and scream obscenities at a local Boy Scout troop.

I was able to reach the N.B.A. powerhouse at his thirty story one room townhouse located in the foothills of his very own Shaq Mountain range. The timid star was funny and energetic if not a little flirtatious. We strolled the entire room and watched the breathtaking view of many poverty stricken short families Shaq makes live close to him, just to make himself seem so much larger and more important.

I was starting to really get to know this foul shooting phenom, really getting him to open up. I made a terrible mistake; I asked about his childhood and his friends. He screamed and broke into big sobbing tears. I held him like a shaved parrot until he let the whole sad story pour out of him like sweat off Roseanne Barr's back. Until Ilene Virginia O'Neal (Shaq's real name) was eighteen she was a seven foot two hundred and eighty pound interpretive dancer at the Martha Stewart School for Bohemoth Nasties.Martha Stewart and Rusty Wallace paid for Shaq's sex change operation, and the rest is, as they say, N.B.A. history.

He refused to talk about the attempted purchase of Coach K and asked me if I wanted a Shaq slap every time I broached the subject. He then demanded that for every question I asked, we had to replay the scene in King Kong where the ape lifts the girl and fondles her. After about twenty questions I had my interview and a new appreciation for large greedy selfish thugs who play for respect and not the money.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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