Written by Simon Cockle
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Wednesday, 17 June 2009

image for Manchester United will spend Ronaldo £80 million 'on chocolate'

In a surprise announcement today, Manchester United revealed how they intended to spend the money generated by Ronaldo's move to Real Madrid. Many fans, though, will be disappointed by exactly how that money will be used.

Rather than buy a replacement for the world's best midfielder, they plan to spend the money 'on chocolate'. Top of the shopping list, according to Sir Alex Ferguson, will be Galaxy and Twirls. 'I just love the creamy luxury of Galaxy, but I wouldn't want to miss out on the tangy thrill of Twirl,' he told a packed Old Trafford press conference.

When challenged about the team's fortunes next year, Sir Alex replied, 'we need a new winger and a stronger defence, and lots of Toblerone, too. Or Walnut Whips'.

After disappointment in the Champions League final, Sir Alex added that 'when you lose in a final it's the worse feeling in the world. That's why we need Double Deckers and Mint Aeros. Ooh, and Wispas, if they're still available.'

The remaining big three teams were quick to respond. Both Liverpool and Arsenal will be digging deep for cakes and doughnuts. Chelsea, however, were focusing their attention on pies and pasties, with a pickled egg if there was any money left.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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