The Department of Health has released and urgent alert about what is being called Chelsea FC Disease. It is brought on when reading, hearing or watching anything about Chelsea FC and the symptoms are vomiting, headaches and uncontrollable rage.
On Wednesday afternoon, around the time that Sky Sports announced that Chelsea FC had made a bid for AC Milan striker Kaka, the rate of 999 calls increased by 73.5m% which is ironically the same amount of money that they had bid for him. Reports of mass puking, utter disgust and outbursts of violence poured into the Emergency Services who where unable to deal with the increase in demand.
Reports from Spain on Tuesday night appeared to suggest that Real Madrid had agreed terms with AC Milan to bring the 27-year-old to the Bernabeu in a £56m deal, however on Wednesday Chelsea were understood to have made a bid of £73.5 million, and offered the 2002 World Cup winner personal terms including a salary of approximately £10m per-year AFTER TAX.
Sue Bright from North London was at home with her husband when he suddenly contracted the illness. She said, "I was in the kitchen and the next thing I know I hear Ian being sick. I went in to check that he was ok and he was smashing the TV against the wall. He was covered in sick and was more angry that I have ever seen him. I am so worried about him."
This is just one of the many cases across the country and people are calling for Chelsea to stop ruining football with their foreign, illegally and fraudulently earned cash and play the game the way it has meant to be played and run the club as a business like everyone else.
The DH have advised everyone, other than people associated with Chelsea, to avoid reading, watching or listening to anything about the club or risk being infected with the disease and risking the possible side effects. At this time there is no know cure for the illness.
In other news Manchester City and Sunderland were handed a transfer budget of £250m and £100m respectively. Chelsea fan James Bruce said, "It isn't right them spending as much money as us, there should be a cap on their spending." What a f*cking c*ock.
Alex Hill, 3rd June 2009