Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for Manchester United To Learn From Barcelona
Out with the Pukka Pies!

As the post-mortem began this morning on Manchester United's Champions League 'humiliation' by Spanish giants Barcelona, sources close to the club promised a major restructuring to more closely resemble the model and characteristics of their conquerors in Rome.

Sir Alex Ferguson admitted that his United players "didn't perform" against Barca, and were spellbound by their magical brand of exciting football, which the Reds will now aim to copy if they are to compete in Europe in the future.

Another issue being spoken about this morning is the Barca policy on sponsorship - they have none, instead preferring to act as sponsors for Unicef. The Spaniards, themselves, donate £1million each year to Unicef, and are 'owned' by fans.

United, in contrast, are owned by one family - the Glasers - and currently take millions of pounds in sponsorship from failing American insurance giants, AIG.

United's style of play in last night's game was found to be sadly lacking, and Sir Alex is keen to sign players 'just like Barcelona's'. United scouts are already searching high and low around the world for players called Iniesta, Sylvinho, Xavi and Messi.

Another player they like is central defender Gerard Piqué. Only last season, United had a player by exactly the same name with identical looks, but rejected him.

Even United's famous Old Trafford is to be given a facelift to modernise it in line with that of Barcelona's Nou Camp. In future, Old Trafford will be known as Nou Trafford, and food kiosks, currently peddling Pukka Pies, will sell paella.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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