Written by Phil McAvity
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Thursday, 28 May 2009

image for The Morning After: With Losers Man United.
Dick Hucknall - Private Dancer to the losers.

The general mood is sombre in the foyer of Del Pizzahuttio, the plush hotel Manchester United chose to stay in for the duration of their visit to Rome for The Champions League Final clash with Barcelona.

At the large window next to the main entrance, Gary "Head Boy" Neville stands, arms folded, scowling defiantly and pretending not to see the group of delirious Barca fans directly outside howling with uncontrollable laughter and pointing at his "moustache".

In a discreet section of the waiting area, an embarrassed looking David Gill is helping Sir Alex pull up his incontinence pants following a nasty 90 minute incident the previous evening when they were unceremoniously yanked down and his arse got well and truly spanked.

At the breakfast table, Carlos Tevez sits alongside his agent wearing only a sombrero and a see-through poncho playing "Ferry 'cross The Mersey" on his pan pipes as world famous United fan Dick Hucknall croons the words across the table from the pair.

Outside, Rio Ferdinand tugs impatiently on the leash as Wayne Rooney finishes weeing against the wheel of the team bus. As Ronaldo, the last of the distraught bunch finally minces down the spiral staircase to the lobby smoothing the last traces of baby oil away so as not to get any on his Real Madrid shirt, Dimitar Berbatov was busy on the phone to Harry Redknapp asking to "come home".

Football - bloody hell, eh?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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