Chelsea striker Dider Drogba today charged UEFA referee Tom Not-Fooledby Divingsson with insulting him during the Champions League match against Barcelona.
Disciplinary proceedings have also been taken by the player against the Metropolitan Police, for throwing missiles into the crowd, and to Stamford Bridge ice cream salesman Adam N Eveit, for 'serving my half-time snack at one degree above the perfect temperature'.
The Norwegian referee ignored an endless stream of perfectly fair dives across both penalty boxes during the game, by not only Drogba but also by just about everyone on the pitch with a blue shirt on, and even by the Chelsea goalkeeper in his own box, and at the end of the match shouted 'You cheating Froggy bastid! I should have sent you off at half time!' at the soccer star, causing the player much distress and anger.
''Ow you say, the referee has insulting me too many muchness, was clearly good claim for dives, dives we is practising twelves hours daily in training trainings. I complain to UEFA for justices, John will back me up on my claims.'
And Chelsea captain John 'Buster' Terry agreed with his teammate. 'Yes, what a surprise, I agree with Diddy about the referee. Doesn't he know that at Stamford Bridge the rules state clearly that Chelsea get at least one penalty a game?'
'Sometimes two, though I of course have to miss the second one in carefully-rehearsed dives myself. Diving is an essential part of the game, though usually not before you kick the ball!'
UEFA are to investigate Drogba's claims, and a spokesman said: 'If true, this is disgraceful, and the referee will be duly punished by having to spend an entire season refereeing matches at Old Trafford.'
'Sir Alex Ferguson and his players show the world just how important diving and claiming for penalties is, and sooner or later Mr. Divingsson will give United plenty of penalties, as is supposed to happen. We must not allow a repeat of an English team being denied a penalty during a home European tie.'
We tried to contact the Norwegian about the alleged allegations, but he was too busy pillaging and razing English towns and villages to the ground to comment. His wife, Mrs. Ingrid Divingsson, answering her door with an axe in her hand, said:
'What a big girl's blouse that Drogba is! Doesn't he know that Norwegian, Swedish, German, English, Scottish, Irish, Welsh, Russian, Danish and Dutch men see the French as a bunch of cheating cowards? And not only cheating on the pitch, but also cheating by making all people born in French colonies French citizens, and eligible to play for France?'
'Pah! I spit on Didier's plate of frogs' legs! I laugh in the face of his absurd allegations! I row my boat in the general direction of Normandy, to steal his supply of grapes! I run out of wild, Viking insults, and have to go and have some fun with my Swedish au pair to calm myself down!',
and promptly beheaded the visiting Spoof reporter, then set fire to her French flag, a present from her husband's last day trip to Mont St Michel, with 'Penalty Please, Thank You, and Thank You For Stealing Our Money' written on it.
Shares in UEFA surrendered slightly at the news, and collaborated with the German footballing authority Der Bundesheiligen, making commodities of tar and feathers stick slightly in Paris. Stocks of stereotypes also rose marginally, while winning cups remained at rock bottom in London.