Written by Monkey Woods
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Friday, 22 May 2009

image for Hull City Intend To 'Kick Lumps' Out Of Manchester United - Brown
Boateng (yellow and blue) hacks at a youngster dressed in full Man Utd kit

As the world waits to see if Premier League newboys Hull City can survive their first-ever season in the top flight on Sunday, their manager, Phil Brown, made a statement today saying that his team may not beat Manchester United, but they will give 110% effort, and they intend to "kick lumps" out of them.

The Tigers must win the game to be sure of staying in the Premiership, but United have their own agenda, with their Champions League final against Barcelona in Rome next week.

Reds manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has not yet determined his final eleven to face the Spanish champions, and United players will, therefore, want to avoid injury until the Scot makes his mind up.

Brown said this morning, though, that there will be scant chance of that, as his battling Tigers seek to stay in the division. He said:

"We've had the lads on the training ground all week, but we've also been brushing-up on our high-tackling and hacking techniques, and Kung Fu kicks. George Boateng has really been putting some effort into it. He's worked really hard.

"Kamil Zayatte and Bernard Mendy have both recovered from injury, and have been practising two-footed challenges above the knee with local schoolchildren dressed in United kit, who've loved every minute of it - apart from that one with the jugular injury.

"Now we've just got to wait for Sunday. I know our players are keen to get stuck in!"

United boss, Sir Alex, said:

"We'll go there to win, but we've also seen an insurance firm about some extra cover."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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