Written by Brendon Humperdink
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Topics: F1

Thursday, 21 May 2009

image for FIA Announce Sensational New F1 Rules
I'll have a Twix and a bottle of Tizer for the journey please"

With fears growing over the threat of major F1 teams and drivers withdrawing from the sport next year, the motorsport governing body FIA have ditched the controversial two-tier system in favour of an agreed rule in which drivers pay for fuel during pit stops, which will go towards costs for the sport.

The 'Petrol Station' rule will make it compulsory for drivers to get out of their cars at pit stops and fill their cars up with the amount of fuel needed.

In addition to this, drivers will have to make a quick dash to a makeshift service station to pay, while also buying a number goods for the rest of the race. Extra points will be awarded to those drivers who take the risk of reaching to the top shelf for specially themed F1 pornos, including Nazi Orgy Monthly. However, drivers risk losing much time in the pits when opting for this strategy.

Other F1 themed products on sale during pit stops include Kimi Raikonnen's very own mint sweets, aptly named 'The Iceman'.

The new rules, devised by Bernie Eccelstone, are sure to be a success, says the midget maestro.

"My favourite all time TV show was Supermarket Sweep. A brainwave occurred last week when I thought of combining F1 with it. Unfortunately, Dale Winton wasn't available to shout encouragement to the drivers as he wasn't taking the risk of going all around the world, incase his tan became even more orange. Shame I know, but it will really spice things up."

However, the rule hasn't gone without teething problems, which had its first trial today. In the practice session for this weekends Monaco GP, an outraged Lewis Hamilton protested that he was blocked by Spain's Fernando Alonso in the service station aisle when trying to buy a Ginster's Pastie.

"Incidents like this will surely happen in the race. This rule is going to be a disaster if it compromises everyone's strategy. It doesn't help either when all of us nineteen drivers were being held up in the queue by, yes you've guessed it, that fucking Trulli Train."

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